it's in words finally!

yeah it's insidious. it manifests in many ways but the deadliest part is how it can fuck with your sense of self preservation. and I don't just mean ending it all, but also how it feels like a truth etched into reality that any attempt to improve things for your future self is a pointless pursuit.

the only reason im still here is because despite it all, I had some people in my life that helped me get to the door. it comes and goes and it's never intuitive how I can't truly remember how it feels until it's already here, but what's helped is reading my stories from those times of my life. for whatever reason, I find it easier to express my feelings through fiction, rather than writing diary entries. that and therapy. can recommend, very helpful