CW: internalised transphobia, regret, bitterness, just shitty thoughts Note: I'm enby and use they/them. When I say trans I mean 'not cis', not 'binary trans'.
Tap for spoiler
I've accepted that I'm not cis since I was 13. At the time I would've said I'm binary trans. I'm not really sure how long I've "known". I do remember before that time, I occasionally read about trans kids socially transitioning, and it always made me irrationally angry and kind of sad. It isn't hard to image why, now.
I tried coming out to my mom a year later, it sucked.
Fast forward to now. I'm in my 20s, I feel ruined. I haven't come close to transitioning in any way. I feel utterly disconnected from being a man or a woman. I don't want to go on HRT because I feel like I have too much to lose. I don't want to be perceived as trans. If I'm to ever transition, I'd be doing it for myself, and I don't think I could ever be satisfied.
These days I mainly experience really intense bottom dysphoria. I'm not sure how I would ever go about getting surgery because I haven't been able to get myself to properly bring it up in therapy in years. They know I'm not cis, it's in my file, but I never get asked to elaborate and it's just too hard to talk about anyway. Especially since most therapists ive seen were women. Plus, I don't know what bottom surgery would be like without HRT. At this point, I wish I could have HRT minus the obvious physical effects.
I don't like being in trans spaces, or honestly around other trans people at all. It makes me really really dysphoric. It's lonely. I'm scared that if I attempt to transition, I'll become my own trans person to be around, making me more dysphoric, not less.
I hate being called transfem. Not only because I'm not "fem", but because it implies my agab, which is no-one's fucking business. I'm just nonbinary.
In general I'm also in very male-dominated spaces (read: compsci). Most of the women in my life are trans women. This is strangely enough very invalidating. It just makes me feel like what I do is a result of my birth defect
I feel fucking worthless. I'm not proud to be trans. I just hate being a man. I feel like I'm doing other trans people a disservice by not getting help that I can't get or afford, just because my self-loathing turns into other-loathing eventually.
There was a time where I experimented with names and pronouns with my friends. The only time it didn't feel like they were "just pretending" is when all communications were suddenly textual for two years. After that it was right back to every "they" or "she" feeling like a lie to my face. It was worse than being misgendered.
I once made someone cry because I said that if I were born a girl, I wouldn't have been non-binary. I feel like that sums it up pretty well.
Sorry if these kinds of vents are commonplace. As alluded to in the spoilered section, I am not really active here. Just needed to get some shit off my chest.