I missed writing with you

Then my mind suddenly decides: todays the day, we're opening lemmy and skipping the nonsense that is the state of this site and just go and look to gon. gon is still as active, lets just go a few posts back. this one looks good.

Oh he's talking about feeling like a husk. reminds me of the video "american chud" by wormwood, wormwood is a very interesting video creator.

At first it seemed like you finally went mad and replied to your own post as if someone asked you something. but it seems like theres just a comment in the middle that disappeared. well I cant be having all the fun.

I was in a real ghost-in-the shell phase again. Its such a cool story concept. the major is a "ghos"t (mind / personality / something) in a very eye-candy human-android-supersoldier body "shell". but instead of it being slathered on thick, its suptle. you have to pay attention to get the themes. Unlike LLMs. God, i use that bullshit more than ever and am more disappointed every time.

I spent a few hours plaing https://www.youraislopbores.me/ and it is very fun. a bit stressful, but thats okay.

I never really understand characters in stories looking for their identity. their actions seem incongruent with their stated goal, and their goal does not seem useful to me. To find your identity you have to do two things: experience (new) things, ideally with other people, and reflect on those things, probably also with people.

Like go bungee jumping. Cave diving. drive at night in a convertible with the roof down through a snowstorm with your best mates. or with random people you met at the beginning of this 32-hour bender your in. Go play Human Chess in a mysterious basement where the walls are moaning. nobody can stop you.

Back whenst i was a teen i told my mom that part of my identity was gaming or something like that. The way i communicated it it was clear that i didnt just mean video games, but all kinds of games. I still sort of stand behind that. And only recently i've come to the realization that my consumption, joy and dependance to music of so many different sorts is also probably because that is just me. I'm an avid music listener. I will recommend you to try and enjoy "Hole in the Universe" an album by the destroyers. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAcyw6tNP7w ) Its so detailed also it just speaks to me. the title track is phenomenal, sycamore drive is god-tier and were on the moon is haunting. Some bands in that kind of music just sound like they are playing sounds one after the other. but with them i feel the intent behind it viscerally.

Sort of like jazz, a lot of jazz is just musicians vibing together on stage, doing their thing, together. but you notice when they dont vibe, when they dont have fun, when they cant communicate. and also you dont enjoy that jazz performance if it just sounds like an arbitrary string of sounds and thats fine. Maybe other jazz or similar is whats for you. I however havent found my way into the jazz world. It requires an investment too to get into new genres and recently i havent been able to spend the time and i miss it so much. i just want to sit there and flick through bad music until i find something new that clicks. but its more and more that nothing is new. and then i just dont have the time anymore. sad me existance.

With Ghost in the Shell (gits) i always seem to suddenly have watched the first movie. it just happens. i find it, start it and ~80 minutes later im done. But what i really love is gits; stand alone complex (the first two series, not gits: sac 2045, from netflix) I absolutelly adore the tracks by Origa made for the anime. I find, that most episodes are exceptionally well written and tight story-telling wise. especially the one early in the second season, where (spoiler), but i dont really enjoy the opening stories of stand alone complex. the gaisha story line just isnt compelling to me. Also i find it really weird when this intense 90s anime style is broken up by weird unexplained, bad, washed-out CG animation, like in all the intros to the anime or the re-release of the first movie they called gits 2. even though its literally the same movie with some improvements and some scenes destroyed by bad CG.

Today I had a big headache. they've been getting more numerous lately. I dont like headaches. I also havent been sleeping well, nor being especially active lately. sad me existance. And so it went that i sat on a sofa in the dark with the intent of doing nothing. which would have been weird. but have you ever tried to actively do nothing? its hard. anyways i counted to 1000 and got bored of being bored. im sure this sort of connects to me searching for someone on my brainwave again.

I made a bunch of new friends recently. but weirdly they are so distant. I mean i can speak with them face-to-face fluently. see them a lot, but they just arent what id expect of my other friends. they are too different. weird, because they also are quite similar. I really need to teach them banter. anything fun. I also re-connected with a very old friend who is always sort of on my brainwave. but there too is some distance. we just dont seem to hold each others interest. either of us has to initiate doing something and thats always weird. So anyways I miss being able to speak with someone who just sort of gets "it". you know, the right kinda 'tism.

And during my >sitting silently on the couch in the dark and then muttering numbers quitly to the room< session i also thought about my creative part of my brain being underserved. Then the question remains: if i wasnt doing anything creative or sportive, what was i doing? well first of all, very little. then a bunch of stress. then different stress. then also cramming my brain and time full of knowledge. then more stress too and now im here having a minor breakdown.

I'm sure you can see my situation. I'm not really looking for support of any kind. just someone to bounce of my thoughts off who isnt an LLM (shudders).

Damn I love LLMs when they're not being stupid. but its so hard to get them to be exactly as i like. except when they just click. and i just cant figure out what the secret sauce is, besides writing my already long prompts 3x longer, or re-trying the one-shot again and again. I find them the most usefull when trying to understand something. but i seem incapable of communicating my personal understanding of the issue in question. either i explain things and then its explaining them back to me because i made some minor infraction in my understanding, that has nothing to bear with the overarching point at all, and sometimes it's more wrong than me. or it just goes off the deep end, only quickly explains things in heavy jargon, to me who doesnt like jargon i dont understand. (but i love jargon i do understand)

And it saddens me so to see the world being overtaking by AI slop everywhere. what exactly is the use of those stupid ai-paint-explainer videos? or youtubes recent obsession with spamming brand-new channels? why would you do that in a time where you can only trust established channels? stupid silicon valley people.

(I do not understand, why is there a mosquito in my room? the outside temperature is 3°C at night. but i have mosquitos in my room for the last months. Sometimes i manage to kill some, but they are still active outside and are attracted to the light. I hate it. Thankfully i got one of these speciallized sting-burn-devices gifted. Now i can just beep them away instead of scratching for three days.)

Anyways enough random rambling. I've gotta catch up on several more months of mead-making by gon. or curduroy pants or whatever you did when i wasnt looking.