Option 1: Fried Green Tomatoes.

Option 2: Let them ripen - tomatoes can ripen off the vine pretty well, a lot of people recommend harvesting them early to reduce chances of pests beating you to the punch.

Chow Chow is our traditional go to for green tomatoes. I'm really into green curry chow chow right now. Salsa Verde is also awesome as is roasted green tomato sauce.

I'm not understanding what self depreciation has to do with green tomatoes however. You should be nicer to yourself.

As long as you harvest them when they have at least a touch of yellow you can just leave them sitting them until they ripen.