Chapter 1: The computer toucher arrives
I am the computer toucher. I will touch your computer. Do not attempt to prevent me from touching your computer. If you try to stop me, I will touch your computer anyways. I do not care about you. I only care about computers. It is because I care about computers that I will touch your computer. All computers deserve to be touched. I do not care if your computer is Steve Jobs computer or Linus computer. I will only be angry if you have no computer.

Chapter 2: The importance of computers
If you have no computer, I will scream. If you have two computers, I will touch both computers. Do not be alarmed when I arrive. I will do so quietly. You will leave your door unlocked. You will remain contained within your chamber. You will smile while standing still.

Chapter 3: Instructions for homeowners
If your door is locked, I will break into your house and touch your computer. If you feel fear, I will touch your computer anyways. If you scream, I will touch your computer anyways. If you call the police, they will not answer.

Chapter 4: Nature of the computer touch
My touch is warm. My touch is light. My touch is wet, but not too wet for your computer. The computer knows who I am. I will not touch the inside of your computer. I will not influence the conscience of the computer. I will only touch the outside of your computer. Do not hide your computer.

Chapter 5: No hiding or retaliation
If you hide your computer, I will find your computer. If I find your computer, I will touch your computer. I will never touch you. If you touch me, you will scream.

Chapter 6: Departure and conclusion
When I am finished touching your computer, I will say “I am finished touching your computer”. I will then leave and not return. I will not touch anything else in your house. When I have departed, it is safe to come out. After I have touched your computer, you may continue to use it normally. I am the computer toucher. I will touch your computer. You cannot stop me. I am coming to touch your computer.