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Sensing the mood had become Grimm, Haru decided to try and change the subject. "Hey, what do you think of the night market so far?"

Yusha looked around. "It's really cool! There's so much illegal stuff I'm losing my mind! I kind of want to check out trinkets they have here."

Haru raised an eyebrow but didn't comment on the weird turn of phrase. "Sure, fuck it. Let's shop around. We haven't actually looked at all for answers either and we need to start somewhere."

Haru and Yusha together proceeded to check out a few of the vendors and stalls. While a few salesfolk gave them suspicious glances on account of their complete lack of underworld discretion and experience, for the most part the night went undisturbed, except for one moment where Haru had to drag Yusha away from participating in a fight ring. Despite asking around a bunch, they came out with little to no information; most of the scoundrels weren't willing to talk too much without payment, and the "information brokers" they ran into Haru distinctly didn't trust. A few hours later, the two found themselves seated on a bench enjoying warm brownies, staring at a piece of mountainside graffiti depicting a Faunus with long claws and a wicked smile towering over a family of Humans. There was an arm reaching in from out of frame, fist clenching a paintbrush dripping blood.

"No luck, huh?" Haru said, munching on her brownie. She squinted at it; there was a weird aftertaste.

"No luck," Yusha sighed. "I really should have beat that one guy up, I think he might have had actual information."

"Well, maybe we can try again tomorrow. It's getting really late, we should find J'atoh and Perry."

"Yeah."

The two got up, and suddenly Haru got really dizzy. She felt floaty, and almost fell over; Yusha caught her at the last second.

"Whoa, are you ok?"

Yusha was looking down at her, her face gorgeously shadowed by the string lights above, a concerned smile across her face. Haru felt giddy; her cheeks flushed for the nth time that night, butterflies forming in her stomach and turning into a chuckle that bubbled out of her. "I'm ok," she said, still staring at Yusha. "You're pretty."

Yusha stood her up. "Come on! We gotta find the others." She took Haru's hand and led her through the crowd.

Haru felt very strange. It was almost like she was floating. Everything was more vibrant and sharp and Yusha's hand was warm and strong in her own and her hair very red and smelled like very nice. She blushed, and checked her own hat and hair to make sure she was presentable. Something touched her horn; she flinched, until she realized it was just her hand. Then she bumped into Yusha. She mumbled out an apology, until she realized why; Yusha had stopped.

"Hey is that Sky?" Yusha asked, pointing at someone in the crowd.

Haru scanned the crowd, her eyes lazily drifting person to person until she spotted who Yusha was talking about a few moments later. "Oh, I think that is. Heh, what's he doing here?"

Yusha let go of Haru's hand, and an immense wave of sadness flooded her from her finger tips. She had no idea why her fingers were tingling. When she looked up, Yusha had already started walking towards Professor Sky. She rushed to catch up.

"Sky! Hey dude!" Yusha said, waving to him.

"Hi professor," Haru said, waving at him.

Professor Sky squinted. "What's up with her?"

"Nothing, just out. What's up with you?" Haru replied. Her mouth felt very dry. After a very brief consideration, her hand sought out Yusha's almost on its own.

"What are you doing out here?" Yusha asked.

"I could ask the same of you two," Professor Sky replied, crossing his arms. "You shouldn't be here, this place is dangerous."

"Pshaa," Haru said, waving him off. "It's fine. We're huntsfolk in training, we're fiiiiine."

"Yeah, what weird-version-of-Haru said!"

Weird? She looked herself over, wondering if her outfit was out of place. She had no idea what she did to deserve that comment, and it rather hurt.

Professor Sky looked away. Haru noticed a complex emotion cross his face, though it was a bit blurry. "Even trained and experienced huntsfolk go missing. Go back to your dorms, and stay out of trouble."

"We always stay out of trouble!" Yusha said, striking a pose.

"Yeah!" Haru said, trying to mimic Yusha.

"Just go, before I report you for breaking curfew," Sky said pointedly and rather angrily. On instinct, Haru took a step behind Yusha.

"Uh, right! Sorry teach," Yusha replied, rubbing the back of her head. "We were just heading back."

"Oh, Professor," Haru blurted out. "Do you know anything about the Artist?"

Professor Sky wheeled on her. "Is that what you two were doing out here? Forget about them, they're little more than a nuisance. Seriously, get back to Haven, now, before I drag you back."

Haru yelped and apologized. She forgot Professor Sky can be scary when he wants to be. "Yusha, let's find the others and go back."

"Your team split up?" Professor Sky blurted. "Fuck, are you kidding me? That's rule number 1 when in unfamiliar territory! Don't split up! I can't believe this shit," Professor Sky sighed. "I don't have time for this, hurry up and find them then go back to Haven. I better see all of HYJR in the morning."

For whatever reason, Haru had the distinct feeling Professor Sky was particularly on edge. She didn't argue; instead, they apologized again and the two of them ran through the market, looking for their team. They found J'atoh gambling at a table, and clearly losing.

"No! One more game! I can't end on a loss!" they said, as Yusha dragged them away too.

She ended up dragging both Haru and J'atoh away, and for some reason Haru felt a little jealous that she wasn't only dragging her. Then she remembered she's a team leader. "J'atoh, walk by yourself," she commanded. "Oh wait, where's Perry?"

J'atoh gave her a strange look. "Are you fucking high?"

"What?" Haru asked.

"Hell yeah you are! That's my team leader right there!" J'atoh replied, celebrating something. Haru was completely confused. "Also, I have no idea where Perry is," they said, shaking off Yusha's grip and walking along side her. "I looked all over, but haven't seen them."

"I hope they're ok," Haru said. All the butterflies and giddiness disappeared the moment she remembered what happened to Yusha during the initiation. If Perry was lost, or wounded, or worse... She was team leader for the god's sake! She should find Perry, like, now! If not, what good was she as team leader? She didn't want to fail her team again. She shook off Yusha's hand, some regret stinging inside her as she saw Yusha's face. Still, she told her team they had to find Perry immediately.

"Hey, calm down," J'atoh said. "You're panicking, it's fine. We should check Haven first, maybe Perry went back to the room and is waiting for us there. Besides, they're really responsible, and didn't you say Sky was here? They'll be fine."

J'atoh had a point. She hadn't expected to ever in her life think that sentence before.

"J'atoh has a point," Yusha said. "Come on, Haru, let's head back to the dorms, before Sky gets even more upset at us."

Haru relented, and the three of them made their way back to Haven academy in the hazy gray light of early Dawn. On the way up the platform ride, Haru got sick and rushed to the edge, vomiting over it while Yusha held her hair and patted her back. She felt incredibly woozy and not at all ok and very, very, thirsty, the entire debacle over Perry out of her mind already.

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[–] 2 points 3 days ago (5 children)

Sensing the mood had become Grimm,

I assume this is intentional and not like an autocorrect goof, but I tend to avoid turns of phrase like this because it stands out unless you go through the effort of changing the entire world’s vocab to account for it being fantastical. Like, don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate the occasional “I swear to Dust” or “oh my Oum” but it just looks odd when it’s one-off like this.

They found J’atoh gambling at a table, and clearly losing.

This may be my own preferences here, but both halves of this description are annoyingly vague. Gambling with what? Cards? Dice? Beyblades? Is it something like you’d see at a casino or more like the 3-card monte scam? And how can they tell J’atoh is “clearly” losing? Have they been playing strip poker? Is the pot sitting out on the table? I’m just not able to picture what they found.

Haru scanned the crowd, her eyes lazily drifting person to person until she spotted who Yusha was talking about a few moments later.

May have missed a word – should be something like “from person to person”

====

I can practically hear the sinister music sting at the end of the chapter here. I think you did a decent amount of setup here but yeah it definitely reads as if this and the previous should have just been one chapter. The encounter with Sky reads a little odd to me but that’s mostly because he keeps being so casual with the students, waiting to threaten to report them for breaking curfew until the very end.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 3 days ago (4 children)

    but it just looks odd when it’s one-off like this.

    Aww but I love my one-off bits (◞‸ ◟)

    Re: J'atoh gambling. Fair I could have shown it better. In my very flimsy defense, Haru was high. She not noticing much except Yusha.

    I think you did a decent amount of setup here

    huh really? I thought it was not enough set up.

    The encounter with Sky reads a little odd to me but that’s mostly because he keeps being so casual with the students, waiting to threaten to report them for breaking curfew until the very end.

    I think he reads as casual because in my head, Sky is not much older than the students. The way I have it floating around my think pan is that he graduated at Shade and started doing teaching stuff immediately after, before being sent to Haven.

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  • [–] 2 points 3 days ago (3 children)

    Aww but I love my one-off bits (◞‸ ◟)

    You could probably lean into it a little more (and thus make it not a one-off) to make it stand out less, but on the other side of the coin I don't want you think my opinion is the end-all be-all here. I mean, I know I'm like the only one actually providing feedback but don't think you have to stop just because I say it's bad, especially if it gives you joy.

    huh really? I thought it was not enough set up.

    I mean, we get insights into Yusha's character a bit here -- interested in "illegal stuff", probably too eager to get into fights, either used to being high or savvy enough to have avoided it, might be a little oblivious to Haru's feelings but definitely concerned about her -- and Haru being high feels like a Checkov's gun especially since she had a moment where she was surprised by her own hand touching her horn (so I expect we'll see that come back where she'll be intoxicated and her Semblance is off). Sky being in the night market is suspicious enough but he's probably not supposed to be there, either, and the students just don't realize that, so it makes sense that we'll learn why he was there by the end of the arc (also it seemed like he recognized what Yusha meant by "the Artist"), plus there's the whole Perry-goes-missing aspect that will probably open the next chapter. I can't say what exactly you're planning from this but there's a number of little seeds with opportunity to grow.

    I think he reads as casual because in my head, Sky is not much older than the students.

    Oh, yeah that always throws me off when you have fresh graduates as teachers. It happens a lot in anime where there's only supposed to be like at most a 5-year gap but probably because of my own upbringing it's hard for me not to read every teacher as being like 15 years older than their students.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 2 days ago (2 children)

    ...but on the other side of the coin I don’t want you think my opinion is the end-all be-all here. I mean, I know I’m like the only one actually providing feedback but don’t think you have to stop just because I say it’s bad, especially if it gives you joy.

    It does give me joy but it's not the first time my one-off bits (OOBs) have been criticized. I did a few in Dragons and Cats and when I asked if it was funny my audience said not really, they just found it odd and suggested leaning into it more if I wanted it to be a bit.

    ...interested in “illegal stuff”, probably too eager to get into fights, either used to being high or savvy enough to have avoided it, might be a little oblivious to Haru’s feelings but definitely concerned about her...

    Huh, fair enough. I hadn't intended any of that tbh, except maybe the illegal stuff. In my head, it's less that she's used to being high/savvy enough to have avoided it and more she's just built different so a single edible wouldn't fuck her up like it did Haru who's a lightweight. Also in my head Yusha isn't necessarily totally oblivious, she also likes Haru a lot but doesn't know how to react to someone liking her back / expressing interest in her. Which I should lean into more.

    Haru being high feels like a Checkov’s gun especially since she had a moment where she was surprised by her own hand touching her horn (so I expect we’ll see that come back where she’ll be intoxicated and her Semblance is off)

    Hm, would be interesting to do but I'm not sure if Haru is the kind of person to become intoxicated often voluntarily. Maybe someone poisons her, or an enemy's semblance is getting people high/drunk on the fly?

    Sky being in the night market is suspicious enough but he’s probably not supposed to be there, either, and the students just don’t realize that, so it makes sense that we’ll learn why he was there by the end of the arc (also it seemed like he recognized what Yusha meant by “the Artist”)

    Oh don't worry, I have plans for that guy ;D

    ...plus there’s the whole Perry-goes-missing aspect that will probably open the next chapter.

    Less "opens the next chapter" and more is the next chapter.

    Oh, yeah that always throws me off when you have fresh graduates as teachers. It happens a lot in anime where there’s only supposed to be like at most a 5-year gap but probably because of my own upbringing it’s hard for me not to read every teacher as being like 15 years older than their students.

    Oh, fair enough. On the edit phase, I'll have to comment on his age when he's introduced to make that clear.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 day ago (1 child)

    Huh, fair enough. I hadn’t intended any of that tbh, except maybe the illegal stuff. In my head, it’s less that she’s used to being high/savvy enough to have avoided it and more she’s just built different so a single edible wouldn’t fuck her up like it did Haru who’s a lightweight.

    I can see how maybe Yusha was like ⅒th as high as Haru was but she doesn’t seem as straight-laced as Haru so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s like, used to a light buzz? Especially given the “interested in ‘illegal stuff’” bit.

    Also in my head Yusha isn’t necessarily totally oblivious, she also likes Haru a lot but doesn’t know how to react to someone liking her back / expressing interest in her. Which I should lean into more.

    Probably wouldn’t hurt. I think I mentioned a few chapters back that we haven’t gotten much insight into Yusha’s perspective on all this yet.

    Hm, would be interesting to do but I’m not sure if Haru is the kind of person to become intoxicated often voluntarily. Maybe someone poisons her, or an enemy’s semblance is getting people high/drunk on the fly?

    Or they end up busting a drug ring? Like a fight breaks out in a lab and Haru ends up inhaling something? Or a crop field ends up on fire? The latter one could be funny because you could have the entire team high.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 3 hours ago

    I can see how maybe Yusha was like ⅒th as high as Haru was but she doesn’t seem as straight-laced as Haru so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s like, used to a light buzz? Especially given the “interested in ‘illegal stuff’” bit.

    Yeah fair enough. Lowk if that's what you got out of the chapter for Yusha's characterization, then I might hammer those in harder or work it into her character background more. I've mentioned this before but I'm a garden path writer, or one who writes into the fog. Meaning, I just start typing bullshit and let the story carry me along for the most part. Hardly ever plan, besides just thinking about the story on my day to day and trying to keep the ideas lurking in my head until I can write about them. Hence, I haven't really defined Yusha's character. I actually have no idea where I'm going with this train of thought anymore so I'm going to stop typing about it.

    Probably wouldn’t hurt. I think I mentioned a few chapters back that we haven’t gotten much insight into Yusha’s perspective on all this yet.

    Yusha's perspective is hard for me I think because because I'm still not entirely sure what to do with her as of yet. Haru has her whole "terrible leader" shtick, Perry has their thing revealed next chapter, J'atoh fundamentally only exists to do bits and fuck around with for funsies. Yusha... not really sure. I had in mind at one point that Yusha and Haru would have this whole Brains v Brawn thing, where Haru's the nerdy intelligent one that makes calls and Yusha executes them with her big brawny muscles. May need to push that angle harder somehow. Hmm. In another story I started and never went anywhere with, Yusha's essentially haunted by her past demons and trauma, and while this Yusha is also supposed to be haunted by past trauma, it's not so integral a part of her character here since that would clash with the tonality and dynamics a bunch imo.

    Or a crop field ends up on fire? The latter one could be funny because you could have the entire team high.

    Your influence grows on this story day by day.

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