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Anon tries being social (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 2 weeks ago by to c/greentext@sh.itjust.works
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[–] 123 points 2 weeks ago (15 children)

I swear we could de-radicalize young men if this was talked about more. Just say hi to people

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  • [–] 41 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

    One of the biggest problems is that, outside of early school, there's no real way to practice social interactions in a safe setting. The only real option is jumping straight in. If you're already slightly socially stunted, it can be very easy to mess it up. It only takes a couple of negative reactions to put someone off for a long time.

    I almost fell into the same hole when I was younger. Thankfully I realised what was likely happening and worked on it. I'm still not good at cold approach social interactions, but I can at least now do it without screwing up catastrophically.

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  • [–] 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    there's no real way to practice social interactions in a safe setting

    There are small talk opportunities if you know where to look.

    Dog parks are my favorite. Bring your dog, make small talk with the other owners, get to know some of them. It's a low stakes environment that doesn't cost any money, allows you to exit at any time, guarantees at least one shared interest or commonality with people who live near you. You don't even have to talk to people the first few times you go, and can build up comfort/familiarity in the specific place before you take the next step of striking up a conversation with another regular you see a lot.

    Another option is where unrelated parties might mingle in shared space: communal tables or bar seating at coffee shops or bars or parks or even restaurants. These fleeting interactions might help practice the skills of small talk, enough to where it's easy to have conversations with strangers.

    And sometimes you can outsource the actual cold approach to the extrovert strangers you might encounter, by giving them something to talk about. A baseball cap with your university, a T-shirt with your favorite band from a tour you saw live, a tattoo of something fun, other items of clothing or accessories that might attract positive attention. Sometimes people will say something about it, and then you can talk about a shared interest or background at that point.

    Lines and waiting rooms are also sometimes good places to pass the time with conversations. It's a little harder now than 20 years ago, with the rise of smartphones, but it's still a place where people might be bored and appreciate a little conversation to mix things up.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago

    Those all fall under the "jump straight in" category. If you can read the situation well, e.g. who is up for being approached, and who isn't, then they work well for making new friends. Unfortunately, if you don't yet have those basic social reading skills, it's a minefield.

    Incidentally, I'm fully past that set of issues. I used the fact that no one has any idea what's going on at the start of university to practice and build skills.

    I also help out with a nerd related social group. Neurodiversity is the heavy majority there. We often have people come along that are accidental shut-ins and want to meet people. I now make a point when showing them around to both make it clear that everyone there at that time is there to socialise and show stuff off. I also introduce them to a few people to break the ice. Watching people come out of their shell and realise they will be celebrated for their weirdness, not punished for it feels very good to me.

    I've been on the receiving end of social punishment more than enough to call anyone risking it brave.

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  • [–] 24 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

    As long as they don't mistake making a new friend with expectations of having a girlfriend. I've had plenty of guy "friendships" which I genuinely thought would last for years, but the moment they noticed I wasn't having sex with them they pulled away to never be heard of. It breaks your heart in a different way.

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  • [–] 13 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

    This is such a self-destructive act. Being friends with women gives you more chances of a) meeting women, and b) actually knowing how to interact with them when you do.

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  • [–] 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Speaking from the guy perspective (and not at all to minimize your pain) sometimes pulling away is necessary for managing feelings of rejection and longing; better to pull away than to have a crash out in a year about how her boyfriend isn't you but also still bad. It just sucks all around.

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  • [–] 7 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

    Yeah. And if you get rejected a few times, don't turn that into an entire personality. Laugh at yourself.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago

    Unfortunately a lot of people don't seem to want to de-radicalize young men. They'll say stuff like "Why should we? They deserve to be miserable."

    It kinda misunderstands the nature of radicalization, and how vulnerabilities and exploits manifest. It can even take on a tinge of victim-blaming, retroactively justifying mistreatment based on their reaction to it

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