lightnsfw comments on What a wretched life we live /s

What a wretched life we live /s (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 month ago by destructdisc@lemmy.world to c/childfree@lemmy.world

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[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 2 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Go to social things and meet people and make friends. Be chill and have a good time. A few of them might like you and be willing to fuck without attaching a bunch of strings to it. That's what I did.

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[–] UnequalExchange@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

The thing is that Ive come to realize is that making love isnt acrually the best treatment in existence for touch starvation because there are a sad, and too common number of stories out there where a person simply has sex with someone else ...and then... the other partner just leaves . No cuddling. No connection. No conversating. Just sex and dipset.... You cant force a person tk want to cuddle with you of course, even after the most amazing sex two people ever had...

Just sex.... then leave? ..... Nah I think Ill skip that. If someone wants to treat touch starvation? They need genuine conmection physically , sometimes even psychologivally, wtih anither person sometimes for hours and hours. Sometimes days and days. Sometimes for years and years . (TOuch starvation is currently poorly studied so of cours in order to treat it there is the possibility that differemt people need different amounts of times to treat it.) And we can all agree that there are times when sex doesnt lead to ANY genuine connection at all, sometimes its just two people who find each other attractive, they bang, and then one of the partners just leaves instantly every time they do it....

I think we can conclude that either being married to someone you genuinely love cuddling with and who loves doing the same with you OR becoming friends with someone or a grouo who isnt afraid of their identity, their sexuality, and to cuddle with you are the best routes currently to take to treat this illness.

Also that hanging out at events thing (ive been to well over a dozen different events , some geared around meeting friends, some geared around hikes, some geared around museum or historical building events, some geared towards other things...) is questionable as a methid to find people to treat touch starvation with . (it is also a route I have tried beforr and Ive had mixed or even negative results but I wont get into that unless you want me to elaborate) There are a notable number of people out there at these events whjo will befriend you but will think that youre 'too weird' or 'being too much of a creep' or 'being too much of a softie' if you ask them to help you with your touch starvatiom just as you will help tjem with theirs is what I have found in my experience. There are also people there who arent looking to befriend anyone at all, theyre just there for the event...and nothing else. Sometimes you meet a person who based on the way they treat you or certain other people at the ebent you already know that they need therapy or theyll end up on one of those true crime channell videos 👀😳. Sometimes youll meet people there who are very bigoted and theyll hate you or others for your gender expression or for your ethnicity or for your left-leaning politics, as I have before (and Im a straight Black male in Canada so I cant even imagine what a queer East Indian or Indigenous AFAB person would go through here. I was able to defend myself or scare off some of those bigots being nearly the same size as them. An AFAB doesnt have that luxiry typically and sadly... and also bro the people in canada are some of the best at hiding their racism.... ) . You really dont kniw what youre gonna get with the people at different events...

But Ive come to realize that meeting friends at events is surprisingly the only consistent way that a lonely childfree adult can meet ANY friends or ANY partners to meet long term, and its kind of shocking to me that we have a world with so many lonely adults and THIS is our most onsistent option... Its a questionable way of going about it because of all the reasons for failures Ive listed .... but its the most consistent way. Try to think of other ways.... They dont really exist.

Sometimes a parent gets lucky with their kid and they end up meeting the parent(s) of other children at like a karate event or a track meet or a halloween outing for their kids or even at an event at their kid(s) schools ...but if youre childfree like us you have to find ways make friends organically without using the crutch of 'Oh ! Hey! My kid(s) like your kid(s) ! And theyre in the same extracurriculars! we should get together sometime. maybe one day we'll treat each other's touch starvations ome day if we get close enough 🤷🏿‍♂️'

So ya Ill go to more events because I have no ither choice. . Hopefully I meet people love me as much as I love them and who dont ghost me again or call me or others the 'Hard -ER' to other people in that group behind my back.

Thanks for the suggestion though.

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[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 4 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 child)

It sounds like you have some issues to work though that are beyond my experience. I'm going to address a few things that stood out to me in your response as best as I can.

No cuddling. No connection. No conversating. Just sex and dipset…

They need genuine conmection physically , sometimes even psychologivally, wtih anither person sometimes for hours and hours.

A FWB situation does not preclude cuddling. I've sometimes spent hours doing so. Even without actually having sex at all. The main difference between that and a full relationship in my mind is that you're not each other's "person", there's no obligation to each other beyond what a friendship entails, and you're open to get involved with other people should either of you want to. There's still a genuine connection there and you should care about each other as you would anyone else you're friends with. You just have to communicate and make sure you're both on the same page about it.

Also that hanging out at events thing

is questionable as a methid to find people to treat touch starvation with

That isn't how I would approach this. You're not making friends to deal with touch starvation, you're making friends to have friends. You find cool people who you like hanging out with regardless of any kind of sexual entanglement. Occasionally something else grows out of that but if you're going into with ulterior motives you're unlikely to find success. I've known these women for a long time before anything sexual happened and I wasn't looking for it when it did. I think the reason they were comfortable with me is because I've always been open about my stance on relationships and I've never tried anything with them or anyone else in our group so they felt safe with me. When something did happen I paused it to set clear expectations about what we did or didn't want out of the situation to ensure no one would have any regrets. So far things have worked out. We don't hook up every time we see each other but it's nice when it does happen.

There are a notable number of people out there at these events whjo will befriend you but will think that youre ‘too weird’ or ‘being too much of a creep’ or ‘being too much of a softie’ if you ask them to help you with your touch starvatiom just as you will help tjem with theirs

That's because that is extremely creepy. If you're after touch/sex from the start you're probably better off just dating and making that clear.

But Ive come to realize that meeting friends at events is surprisingly the only consistent way that a lonely childfree adult can meet ANY friends or ANY partners to meet long term

Yes, the best way to meet people is to go out and meet people. Not everyone is going to click with you but it's important to try and when you find someone put the effort in to build on those connections. It isn't going to all come at once. It takes a lot of energy but in the end it's worth it.

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[–] UnequalExchange@lemmy.world 1 point 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

That isn’t how I would approach this. You’re not making friends to deal with touch starvation, you’re making friends to have friends. You find cool people who you like hanging out with regardless of any kind of sexual entanglement.

uhhhh wellllll that applies to other people in my opinion. Ive found that most of the people I interact with IRL whether at events or even in my day to day life I tend to not be interested in them as friends and tend to have difficulty maintaining friendships with them because my interests and beliefs conflict with theirs. I have a very overpowering set of beliefs and a very niche set of interests and if someone doesnt align with me on those things ? I have found that it is very difficult for me to remain friends with them no matter what I or they do. It just is what it is for me I guess. Nothing wrong with me or them - it just is what it is 🤷🏿‍♂️. We can all be interested in whatever we want to be as long as it doesnt harm other people or other beings, right? Right. So as for me I have very specific interests and beliefs and I have found that I, surprisingly, connect far more with the people I meet online than I do with most of the people Ive met IRL because I tend to go to online communities that cater to those niche beliefs and interests online. The average person I have interacted with th IRL tends to have no idea what Im talking about when I talk about these niche things. Online interactions have been more of a breath of fresh air for me than I thought they would be....

Also lol. 'Entanglement' . Will Smith .

That’s because that is extremely creepy. If you’re after touch/sex from the start you’re probably better off just dating and making that clear.

...Ya ... I justt know what I need from someone and if I cant get it from them? Ill just leave them be and wont bother them anymore. I am not here to force interaction with anybody and I dont have anything good to say about anybody that tries to force interaction . In my opinion only those who force interaction with others are creeps.

Occasionally something else grows out of that but if you’re going into with ulterior motives you’re unlikely to find success. I’ve known these women for a long time before anything sexual happened and I wasn’t looking for it when it did. I think the reason they were comfortable with me is because I’ve always been open about my stance on relationships and I’ve never tried anything with them or anyone else in our group so they felt safe with me. When something did happen I paused it to set clear expectations about what we did or didn’t want out of the situation to ensure no one would have any regrets. So far things have worked out. We don’t hook up every time we see each other but it’s nice when it does happen.

That was genuinely wholesome. Thank you . And thanks them. Im proud of yall 🥺🫂🫂🫂

Yes, the best way to meet people is to go out and meet people. Not everyone is going to click with you but it’s important to try and when you find someone put the effort in to build on those connections. It isn’t going to all come at once. It takes a lot of energy but in the end it’s worth it.

yuuup....just gotta keep on and keep on puttingt myself out there. Its a long and hard path I think we can all agree?....but I think Ill keep on going down on it...Hopefully I meet the right people for me just as you have. 🤘🏿

Thanks for replying

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