ComicalMayhem comments on [WP] You are a counter-telepath; your only goal is to stop other telepaths from misusing their powers or using them unethically.

[–] ComicalMayhem@literature.cafe [S] 1 point 2 months ago (3 children)

Story was good! Thanks for sharing it. I'm quite confused about the ending though; I don't really know what happened other than something bad, and it just kind of... happens?

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[–] MaelGuerra@literature.cafe 2 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Yeah, it's kinda vague. I need to redo it.

The concept was that the entire time "Dean" was involved, there were people already there, hidden from him that were using Alvin for bad things, and Alvin made the neighbors have erotic dreams specifically so that the Authority would catch it and investigate.

So Dean screwed up, and left thinking it was an easy case.

It was supposed to hint at a darker world behind the cheery and light one, sort of a subversion. Don't know that it worked as written.

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[–] ComicalMayhem@literature.cafe [S] 2 points 2 months ago

Oh that sounds like an interesting route. Would love to see it fully executed. Perhaps maybe telling the story from Alvin's perspective would help the tonal shift?

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[–] Fjdybank@lemmy.ca 2 points 2 months ago

Interesting try but the pivot came with no setup. Try adding some visual hooks that should be disconcerting to the agent , something that would normally make the agent suspicious but he is unusually calm about what he is seeing. Also flesh out the pivot more, it's too compressed for what you are trying to convey

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