Good evening sir/ma’am, my name is Christopher Crozier and I am the legal representative for the Toronto Maple Leafs. This message is to inform you of the multiple felony larceny charges you may be facing for acquiring my client’s property, regardless of the means. As you claim ownership, you are legally culpable. Penalties range from fines to incarceration, and damages must also be paid to the victim monthly in perpetuity.

RCMP has been notified and dispatched to your location. You are hereby ordered to comply with their instructions when they arrive. We’ll see you in court.