I'm exhausted... I don't know how to break out of this.

I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I'm not trans.

I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn't happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can't keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I'm already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.

I'm just numb, my head is so empty, but I'm sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn't feel "me", as if I don't have what it takes to be "him", and I don't feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.

Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.