ArcaneSlime comments on Do you think this guy likes me, or is he just being nice?

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 0 points 4 months ago* (4 children)

This is why I don't really do anything nice for anybody anymore (beyond established platonic friends), especially women.

Dudes know I don't want to fuck them and just want to be friends (or acquaintances or whatever), so with them I can just be a normal human. I can hold the door to the gas station for some random plumber behind me, I can pay for my homie's taco today and he'll probably get me next week, it'll come back around.

But if I open a door for a woman whether I'm interested or not, pay for her anything, or talk to her, I have to be worried about her now either A) she thinks I'm a creep for trying to form a basic human connection to fill a basic human need that most people beyond aro and aces need [whether or not I actually am committing the mortal sin of carnal optimism or not], or B) she thinks Ted Bundy's ghost is possessing my body and I must be hiding a tire iron in my sleeve, or C) She thinks I think she's physically incapable of opening the door because she assumes I think women are inferior. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells 24/7 trying not to do something that seems innocuous to me but is a grave insult or threat when divorced from the context of "I would have held the door for a guy too."

Exception: Old ladies. They're cool, usually. They don't mind general niceties or conversation and don't immediately suspect me of murders untold. I'm also kind of an old lady at heart which probably helps, "give me your gardening tips, Doris! Say, do you like The Golden Girls?"

permalink

fedilink

source

parent

hideshow 4 child comments

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 1 point 4 months ago (3 children)

There's a pretty big difference between holding a door for someone or buying them a drink and paying for their movie, popcorn, dinner, and gifts all when you literally just met them and then again one day later.

I didn't say he was a creep. I said he's throwing too much money at her for this situation. That implies there's something off, which could be a number of reasons. That's why I asked how old he was. If he's a young guy then he could just be inexperienced and not have a great idea of how to express his interest other than bombarding her with attention and gifts. I think most dudes have been there more or less, but it can sometimes lead to some shitty outcomes with some guys, especially immature ones that haven't got a lot of experience dealing with these emotions, if the subject of this attention doesn't meet their expectations. It's why I suggested having a conversation with him about what those expectations are and where she is at in her own feelings towards him to clear the air before he gets too invested. If he's an older guy than it becomes more suspicious as they should know better than to buy affection with gifts.

permalink

fedilink

source

parent

hideshow 3 child comments

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 point 4 months ago* (2 children)

I would be concerned about him feeling like you owe him something for it.

I was more referring to this (and expanding it a bit because it's not just sex, but also murder and misogyny). The slight possible benefit of "she appreciates it" just doesn't outweigh the bad. Sure there's a difference between holding the door and paying for something cheap like that and further to something expensive, but on average a woman who is at friend level 0 I wouldn't hold the door, a random guy at friend level 0 I probably would, neither get a movie ticket. And a guy at friend level idk 3, I might cover on the ticket but he's for sure on his own for snacks, a woman at friend level 3 I'm holding that door, but she's covering her ticket and food, and so on.

Like for example, a good friend of mine who is a woman, today she asked for my help on something: No problem! Of course, I watched her struggle with it for a bit before she asked and wasn't going to offer help though she clearly needed it, lest she think I think she's incapable. Real double edged sword of rudeness. Had she been our male coworker/friend, I'd have hit him with "struggling huh? Let me help lol" for what is clearly a two person job anyway, but no way I'm gonna offer to help her before she asks and double no way I'm lightly ribbing her like I would my male friend.

permalink

fedilink

source

parent

hideshow 2 child comments

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 2 points 4 months ago (1 child)

That hasn't been my experience at all. I do shit for people all the time and never had a woman get pissed at me or assume I wanted something in return nor did I expect anything in return. Women aren't so judgemental as you're imagining. The only scenario where I've seen what you're describing happen was because the guy doing it used the offer of help to try to get his foot in the door and constantly nose around and bother her afterwards which made her very uncomfortable. He then went around behind her back at our workplace talking about how she rejected him when he was only trying to be nice and so on. Which is why I was cautioning OP to set things straight with this guy (in whatever way straight happens to be) before he was too invested. IF he happens to be that kind of guy then there hopefully won't be as much fallout for her to deal with. If not then they can move forward and base their relationship on actual things that matter rather than just him buying her shit all the time.

permalink

fedilink

source

parent

hideshow 1 child comment

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 point 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

That hasn't been my experience at all

You've never held the door for a woman who snapped "I can do it myself" (or similar) at you in response? I have, so we're at an anecdotal impass. Maybe it's that you're from a different area, I mean like, I hear in Italy stuff still flies that would get you called out for sexual harassment (rightly so) here, maybe something like that explains the difference.

Not that I expected anything in return (other than a polite "thank you" but that's from everyone lol) either, but they thought I did (I guess, I didn't ask but why else be a jerk for that y'know?

offer of help to try to get his foot in the door and constantly nose around and bother her afterwards which made her very uncomfortable

But here's the thing, unless she can read your mind, she's uncomfortable already just by you being there (according to women, they're constantly scared and suspicious of men's motives). It doesn't matter if you're actually attracted and trying to start a convo in hopes you hit it off (which again is a normal human condition, even if it is currently vilified), nor if you're actually too pushy and "constantly nose around and bother her afterwards," nor if you start a convo sans attraction, nor if you don't talk to them at all (like me,) they are apparently uncomfortable.

Women aren't so judgemental as you're imagining.

In front of you, where they're default scared. Try when they can pseudononymously speak their mind without fear of physical recourse and they're not afraid to say how they really feel, they sing a different tune.

constantly nose around and bother her afterwards which made her very uncomfortable. He then went around behind her back at our workplace talking about how she rejected him when he was only trying to be nice and so on.

Of course that is a problem but that'd be a problem if he was just trying to sell funko pops, being annoying in general is an issue. But you don't have to do it to make them uncomfortable at the prospect that you could.

set things straight with this guy

I mean I'm not gonna argue, communication is always good. They may argue though that men can't take rejection and they can't directly communicate for fear of violence, but I do personally agree it's the best practice.

If not then they can move forward and base their relationship on actual things that matter rather than just him buying her shit all the time.

Well I can guess what your love language is not. I'm a (receiving) physical touch and quality time man myself so I get it, but people have ways they both show and receive love, and finding a compatible partner is not a bad idea. Sounds like his "giving" language is gifts, who knows what his "receiving" is, and who knows either of hers (no clues I noticed anyway), if hers is "receiving gifts" they're in business it sounds like. Just because one isn't important to you however doesn't mean it's less valid to anyone else.

permalink

fedilink

source

parent