Yeah, I've looked in the mirror. I'm one of the most self-loathing, self-deprecating people I know. It's that, along with my low self-esteem, insecurity, social anxiety and awkwardness, and general nervousness that tend to put people off. I literally don't know how to "just be confident" as people suggest, without faking it and seeming arrogant because confidence just doesn't come naturally to me. And even if it did, I still would struggle because I just don't know the social scripts.

And people have been so shitty to me throughout my life that I can be kinda sensitive to subtle jabs, which puts me on the defensive easily. A lot of people seem to use that to manipulate me. They'll micro-aggress and badger and push until even my tiny sliver of confidence fades, and even if I manage to not get defensive I still get melancholy and despondent or my insecurities get aggravated and I start doubting/second-guessing myself even more. And then they use that to call me an asshole or passive-aggressive or whathaveyou. It's literally beyond my control, I've tried really hard to sidestep this pattern but people will bait me and entrap me and even if I manage to avoid it they'll just keep at it and add their own spin until I basically have to either get defensive or affirm their interpretation. And even if I just shut down and get avoidant, people use that against me to. So now I don't even enter situations where I might have to interact with people. I'm a total shut-in.

Maybe there are kinder people out there who I might have better interactions with, but I don't know where they are and I'm tired of looking for them, especially since it seems like no one wants to be bothered anyway.