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Are poems allowed? (lemmy.ca)
submitted 6 months ago by to c/artshare@lemmy.world
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[–] [S] 2 points 6 months ago (4 children)

I feel a big karmic debt for all of it and always pay forward when I get an opportunity but it would take years at this point.

Back to the topic of meter, how's this attempt?

You might have seen a sign of mine

It says this line, its "Rhymes for Dimes"

Was Written fast with ill design

So hastily with little time.

And made with cardboard slicked with grime

I call at strangers with a mime

Then I am paid a Single dime

and I climb up from my long sit

Get up to play the silly bit

Put out the cigarette I had lit

Then chime a prime brief rhyme sublime

And what had I received for this crime?

mountains of lime coloured slime covered dimes from my fountain of rhymes!

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  • [–] 1 point 6 months ago (3 children)

    You might have seen a sign of mine

    Says this line - “Rhymes for Dimes”

    Was Written fast w/ divine design

    So hastily and with little bit of time

    Made w cardboard slicked w grime

    Call @ strangers by means o mime

    Then, I be paid w/ a Singlular dime

    And I climb up from my longest sit

    Getting up to thus play the silly bit

    Putting out the cigarette I'd just lit

    Chime brief prime rhyme sublime

    & wat did I receive for this crime?

    Mountains of lime coloured slime covered dimes from my fountain of rhymes!

    You can spruce it up even more, I just did it fast. You've got the spirit, and thst is the fuel that will carry you the distance.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 6 months ago* (2 children)

    I'm puzzled by a few of the edits where you substitute with using /w as well as and using &. Is it meant to emphasize the words are stressed differently?

    Also divine seems like the wrong adjective. The description of the sign is supposed to give a vibe of self aware incompetence while divine seems boastful.

    I'll take this one back to the workshop and tweak the meter. I thought I had it. Speaking of videogames, I found a fun trick that kind of works for me; I imagine the voice in Illidan in cutscene dialogues with the dramatic emphasis on stressed syllables. Its not perfect but it makes me giggle.

    I really like the way you worded the mime part but I'll use something Ill write myself just so its more mine :)

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  • [–] 2 points 6 months ago (1 child)

    It's to shorten length.

    W/ is a common abbreviation for "with;" W/o is a common one for "without." & is the ampersand and means "and."

    The divine has no problem being the fool. Someone wise once asked if God can microwave a burrito so hot even He can't eat it. In that same light, I once seen John Cena lose to a little girl in arm wrestling. "Divine" is not "anti-slime," but rather "slime" is half of divine.

    Also, my original poem was meant to show alternative forms of limitations you could use to evoke creativity, to include consonance/alliteration. I really stand by the notion that a strategic typo does something wonky with human psychology; comparing two equivalent level of skill jokes, with one being a double-meaning typo, that is the one that will have a full order of magnitude more views, for whatever sociological reason.

    And you are going to be photographed/filmed, have no doubt.

    I don't know what Illidan is, but I liked games when I was younger (a cult reprogrammed my dopamine through oil changes n cheese cloths; operant and classical conditioning), and if you want me to understand, send a clip of what you mean.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 6 months ago

    I know what they are I was just a little puzzled by you using them and wondered if abbreviating the words was a way to emphasize the word is spoken unstressed in that use.

    Illidan is a Warcraft character

    You know I watched some videoclips of him and the actual footage doesn't quite do it the same as mine and my partners Parody version of him so I guess I've sort of changed the character in my head aha

    We noticed how Illidan's dialogue became slower and more dramatic, our version is sort of a charicature with an even more dramatic voice and we tend to shout out the stressed syllables in some words.

    So I imagine I guess a parody version of that character as an aid to help me pick up on stressed and unstressed syllables and the way certain words and syllables can be stressed differently depending how they are placed in the sentence and how it is spoken.

    "YOU are NOT prePARED!"

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