this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2026

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No Stupid Questions

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Is it weird for parents to keep saying "I love you", then asks "Do you love me?" (sh.itjust.works)

submitted 8 months ago by DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

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I dig through my memories and I remember this was a thing since I was a kid. Like I remember my mom just constantly saying "We love you a lot, do you know that?" and then straight up asking me: "Do you love your mom and dad?" (speaking in 3rd person for some reason) then followed by "Do you love mom or dad more?"... and I remember always just answering that: Yes I love them, and mom more than dad... (I remember that is probably just honestly how I felt, I never lied about it)

I don't remember dad ever asking this...

Sometimes (when I was younger) mom asked me: "If mom and dad got a divorce, who are you going with?"...

wtf mom

And like sometimes they argue then threaten divorce...

So... mom has higher income so I feel like at the time I just told her I'd go with her solely because of the financial stability... (I mean dad also doesn't really show affection... 🤷‍♂️)

(This was many years ago, during my teenage years. The divorce thing never happened, empty threats...)

...

Now as a young adult, I'm dealing with depression and she still says this... and like I feel very awkward when she asks me "Do you love me?"

I do feel an attachment towards her, but idk if you can call it "love" per se.

So sometimes I stay quiet... so it just ended with an awkward silence...

Then mom was like: "Do you you not love me? Do you hate me?"

No wtf mom, that's not what I meant...

Do parents just do that? Are they seeking validation about their decision to choose to have children?

Cultural Context: My family is ethnically Chinese.

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[–] Paragone@piefed.social 2 points 8 months ago

"normal" for what culture?

I mean family culture, not national-culture.

It seems to me that they're insecure, & committed to using you for their-own validation, & crowbarring you into remaining subjugated to that scam/game/manipulation.

( I had to go no-contact with both parents, for years at a time, for my survival: parental machiavellianism doesn't have to be conscious machiavellianism. I don't blame them, but did need to protect my life against their forcing-me-towards-breaking/failing, with all the personal-power I could muster. )

The oversimplification of "the 5 love languages", the oversimplification being that people are somehow "exclusively 1 XOR another", instead of being some mixture on a 5-dimension set-of-continuums/spectrums..

It seems your mother's means of showing-love is verbal, & she felt need to have verbal-expression-of-love for her.

The "5 love languages" thing.. when I found-out that some people NEED exchanging-of-things to feel loved, or to express love .. WTF??

TOTALLY not the way I'm wired.

Never EVER would have dawned-on-me that some people actually were wired that way.

But.. I've seen some people I knew who were wired that way!

Diversity-of-wiring's a thing, right?

So, I think it was you mom being wired for verbal emotional-meaning, AND her trying to manipulate you into being what protected/fed her established-when-she-was-growing-up dysfunction-habit, AND I wouldn't put 1 single cent on her being "to blame" for it, if she's never dug into conquering her own unconscious-mind. I think it was probably the result of the growing-up she lived in, just repeating, in variation.

Discard everything I wrote unless something in it is of value for you.

I've only experience & what seems to be understanding: I've no academic-accreditation, but neither did Socrates, my hero, either.

But if it is of value, then may your life be more-powerfully-awakening/autonomizing, owning your future-karma, more.

_ /\ _

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