76
Parents of Lemmy, would you have your kids keep the bedroom door open when the gender they were attracted to comes over? (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 1 year ago by to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml
47 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Growing up, I was always told that boys could come over if I leave the bedroom door open, and I see a lot with my friends that the girls would not be allowed to have boys over/in the bedroom/have the bedroom door closed or viceversa (boys with girls).

When I realized I may be gay and trans (masc), my parents were accepting and allowed me to have the door closed with girls because I was gay and still not with boys.

Then, I had a boyfriend and they said I could keep the door closed with anyone except my boyfriend.

Now, I'm nonbinary and bisexual. Would you allow your kids to close the door?

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] -5 points 1 year ago (6 children)

Not worth the trouble, wouldn't allow them in a bedroom door or no door ever.

Contributing to the deliquence of a minor is broad law.

The main worry is how the other child's parents would react were something to occur. Also, your co-parent if they not on board with your decision.

I've definitely done the talk, "box of condoms under the bathroom, no questions asked, give them to your friends if needed" but that is vastly different than tossing a box of condoms at a minor and telling them to have fun.

You are of course free to assess your own willingness to risk such liability and take the gamble that there will be no fall out. The odds are heavily in your favor.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • hideshow 6 child comments
    •
  • [–] 4 points 1 year ago (3 children)

    Then you'd just be discouraging sex in your own home. Congrats! They decided to do it in the car or public bathroom instead, without your knowledge, and without the safety net you could have provided if anything went wrong.

    Contributing to the deliquence of a minor is broad law.

    You should check the local statutory rape laws applicable to you. In many places, there's an exception if both people are close in age and are both willing.

    The main worry is how the other child's parents would react were something to occur. Also, your co-parent if they not on board with your decision.

    There's something called "talking with your partner".

    I've definitely done the talk, "box of condoms under the bathroom, no questions asked, give them to your friends if needed" but that is vastly different than tossing a box of condoms at a minor and telling them to have fun.

    Sounds very hypocritical. I mean, why are you disallowing it in your home when you already offer condoms "no questions asked"?

    You need to understand that giving permission is not encouragement, and that withdrawing permission is not discouragement.

    You may not want your kids to have sex, but if they understand the risks and still want to, the best thing you can offer is safety and privacy.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 3 child comments
    •
  • [–] -3 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    Then you'd just be discouraging sex in your own home.

    Replace sex with alcohol and maybe the issue will be more obvious for you. Knowingly providing a minor who is not my child with a "safe place" to drink is actually a larger liability.

    They decided to do it in the car or public bathroom instead

    There many places to have and enjoy sex. The key is not telling them to go fuck in the car or a pubic bathroom. It's far more likely it will occur regardless. I have walked into my kitchen and interrupted oral sex. This didn't result in high fives but insteads discussions and and me informing the other teen's parents. To be clear there was also no punishment.

    without your knowledge

    If I know I am legally obligated to intervene. I am not sure how much more clearly I can state this.

    without the safety net you could have provided if anything went wrong.

    The condoms are the safety net.

    I have made it very clear to my children that I cannot know because then I am legally required to intervene.

    You should check the local statutory rape laws applicable to you.

    My state has zero exceptions around this.

    Sounds very hypocritical. I mean, why are you disallowing it in your home when you already offer condoms "no questions asked"?

    It's a nuanced approach. It's possible they are being used for water balloons.

    You need to understand that giving permission is not encouragement

    I have already explained the liability in giving a minor permission to break any law.

    You may not want your kids to have sex

    I never said this.

    if they understand the risks and still want to,

    I openly and routinely discuss these risks. I challenge them not to be basic.

    the best thing you can offer is safety and privacy.

    Safety yes. Privacy with potential sexual partners as a minor, no.

    Safety is a larger issue. I have had open discussions with them at a very deep level on this and other topics to get ahead of embarrassment and guilt.

    My state has laws that I do not agree with but which I must abide by.

    I am approaching the issue without emotion or judgment. I literally said others are free to choose their own liability risk which you chose to ignore.

    Your feelings on the topic are not going to sway me.

    A permissive parenting style isn't my style. I prefer to have actual discussions with my children on important topics and do so throughout their development into adulthood.

    I have had great success on this as well as the other topics. When I clearly layout what is legally required of me in various situations, they understand.

    This creates fun opportunities where I can layout the world as I wish it were vs the world as it is. Children are not dumb. They can grasp the subtext. I know because they will repeat it back to me in their own words.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
    •
  • [–] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 child)

    Replace sex with alcohol and maybe the issue will be more obvious for you. Knowingly providing a minor who is not my child with a “safe place” to drink is actually a larger liability.

    Trying to compare safe sex with alcohol consumption is wild. One is actively harmful to the human body (and even more so to a developing one), and the other is not. I'll let you guess which one is which.

    There many places to have and enjoy sex. The key is not telling them to go fuck in the car or a pubic bathroom. It’s far more likely it will occur regardless. I have walked into my kitchen and interrupted oral sex.

    Not worth the trouble, wouldn’t allow them in a bedroom door or no door ever.

    So you know it would occur regardless, but you also don't want it happening behind closed doors. Given those constraints, the kitchen scene is only natural.

    This didn’t result in high fives but insteads discussions and and me informing the other teen’s parents. To be clear there was also no punishment.

    Discussions on safe sex, great. Discussions on privacy, cool, though you could have just offered the privacy they needed. Informing on the other party's parents, oh boy; unless you actively know their parents to be knowledgeable and reasonable, you may have placed that teen in danger. They were lucky to not have been in any trouble.

    The condoms are the safety net.

    I have made it very clear to my children that I cannot know because then I am legally required to intervene.

    Condoms are a safety net against STDs. Sexual safety extends beyond protecting against STDs, and you, as a parent, are responsible for that. If anything goes wrong (e.g. emotional discomfort after the act, physical discomfort, broken condom, etc.), you would want to be the first person your child approaches; this "I cannot know" mentality is actively harming that.

    My state has zero exceptions around this.

    I am sorry to hear that. However, based on that and your previous statement about walking in on oral sex between (I presume) your then-underaged teen and their then-underaged partner, you were complicit in helping those juvenile criminals avoid legal persecution by not informing law enforcement.

    To be clear, I'm just making light of your heavy focus on legality and liability.

    It’s a nuanced approach. It’s possible they are being used for water balloons.

    You are making excuses to justify offering condoms while still disallowing sex. Water balloons? Come on now.

    And before you quote me on "disallowing sex" and say that you've never said that, saying that you "cannot know" or else you "would intervene" is very clearly doing that.

    My state has laws that I do not agree with but which I must abide by.

    The entirety of your arguments have been rooted in concerns about legality and liability. With that in mind, are you saying that if your state does have a Romeo and Juliet law, you'd be fine with offering a private and safe space for your children (I.E. their rooms) to have safe sex with anyone they want within the confines of that law?

    Morality vs legality is an entirely different subject that I'm not going to delve in right now, but based on that statement, it shows which one you value more.

    I am approaching the issue without emotion or judgment.

    "I am being logical" is such an overdone excuse used to justify arguments. It's also a highly reductive mindset to use in regards to your children.

    I literally said others are free to choose their own liability risk which you chose to ignore.

    Oh, I'm not ignoring it. It's just that being free to choose my own "liability risk" does not automatically exempt me from giving my own opinion on how you are dealing with this issue.

    Or you can get another kitchen scene. Right in front of your salad.

    Your feelings on the topic are not going to sway me.

    Fun!

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
    •
  • [–] 0 points 1 year ago

    Trying to compare safe sex with alcohol consumption is wild.

    Just focusing on the liability here and the reality that children may do it regardless of legality.

    With that in mind, are you saying that if your state does have a Romeo and Juliet law you'd be fine with offering a private and safe space for your children

    That would change my posture.

    you were complicit in helping those juvenile criminals avoid legal persecution by not informing law enforcement.

    Nope. I am not obligated to report the issue to the authorities if Inform the other child's parents and take steps to prevent future occurrence.

    Or you can get another kitchen scene. Right in front of your salad.

    Don't be facetious Jeffery.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent