Have you tried it? Have you felt Poseidon's kiss? Magical.

Most people in the world do not drive cars. There's about 1.8 cars for every 10 people on earth.

Every time this discussion comes up I have to talk about the same thing: soap. It's commonly understood that soap is the crucial part being clean (I assume you're not advocating for showers without soap). Yet how many bidet users use soap? So you're saying that water makes you clean, and yet I'd argue that whether it's water or paper alone, you're not clean until you've used soap. The only difference is how much your personal tolerance for being between periods of cleanliness without soap goes. For people advocating bidets, they're clearly not comfortable without water. But other people are, and it's not normal to say that almost everyone has poor hygiene because of it.

As long as you don't smell (and you can't tell me that walking into any random office conference room in a non-bidet country will most likely smell like literal shit), people can say water or paper and they're both stopgaps until we can make it to the next shower involving soap.

You're responding as though someone said "don't clean yourself". What they said was "it's weird to call not using a bidet disturbing, given how uncommon they are".
You're drawing a line for where you think better hygiene is and putting everyone not on your side in the "disturbing" category, even though that's anywhere from "about half the people" to "almost everyone" depending on region.

What I'm saying isn't controversial at all

That you felt the need to say that is a pretty clear sign that it is.

Bidet's do provide some hygiene benefits, but they're not the perfect system you're making them out to be.
If you got feces on your hands, you wouldn't clean them by just wiping them with paper. You also wouldn't just run water on them for a short while and then carry on.
They can irritate the anal opening and let bacteria bother the irritation. They can cause disruption to vaginal flora. The nozzle is a source of fecal contamination between people.

Yes, spraying your butt with water is usually cleaner. The actually significant cleansing comes from washing your hands with soap and water, bathing regularly, and not handling shared items with your buttocks.