In fairness the specific line you commented on might have been a slipup

Yeah I kinda got the impression the "cracks" were happening a little early simply because you had to refer to them so many times for the action scene so your brain wanted to veer away from just repeating "P"/"agent P" so many times. That aversion to repetition is actually built in to the English language from when the first poetry was being written in the earliest forms of the language. It's why there's so many instances of "the blonde" and the like to refer to characters across writing by their features instead of using their names.

I may have geeked out slightly over language and strayed from the point (^ ^ ;)

Wait is that a Naruto thing? I stole it from a friend of mine’s novel.

I forget his name but the guy they bring in to replace Sasuke on Team 7 during Shippuden -- his power was bringing his drawings to life in a very similar manner.

I was trying something different here, purposely trying to keep sentences short and punctual and constantly moving to give the impression of action both narratively and metatextually.

I do think you mostly got it, and you definitely don't fall into a trap I've seen of describing every single action so that the actual pace of the fight ends up slowing down, but the huge wall of text ends up feeling kind of oppressive.

I can point out you already have racial violence ending in murder as part of your subject matter

Yeah fair. Might keep it in ig, just gotta figure out where it would fit in.

may have forgotten there was a dream sequence. In my defense it’s been several weeks and I’ve had things going on in the background.

Understandable! It's not necessarily a major thing, the dream sequence that is. Hope the things going on in the background are good things though.

Also re: FFXIV, it was mostly a joke but not really. Haru's race has a thing where they develop a strong emotional attachment to an animal, kind of like a spirit animal, except it's always horses and the way they're talked about in lore, everyone in the community raised eyebrows and went "They're fucking the horses aren't they".

but you don’t say what kind.

Fair. will fix.

any of these sentences would make an excellent place for a paragraph break.

Also fair.

I captured a moment here where you refer to Perry by their name

Intentional! Agent P is the mask they put on when they're being a WF member but that mask cracks as the chapter goes on. In fairness the specific line you commented on might have been a slipup since P is still a WF member there but I'm going to post rationalize it as P being nervous about their chances and taking a moment to refocus themself. I could drive it in harder though.

Suddenly, Naruto!

Wait is that a Naruto thing? I stole it from a friend of mine's novel.

I feel like their weapons would be rather identifiable given the world of Remnant since they’re something akin to a superhero’s outfit

Fair but Perry's weapon is a gun rapier. The person in that photo might as well been Weiss. But still fair.

I initially misread it as “the head of the body was dipped in blood” rather than “the head of the brush”. Maybe you could say “bristles” instead of “head” here, or omit that part entirely and just say “already dipped in the pooling blood”.

Also fair.

I’m kind of side-eyeing Jake’s little speech at the end because it feels like it’s veering a little into reverse-racism territory. It’s kind of a consequence of the larger-than-life tone that a fantasy story like this has to have, but part of it comes off as the same kind of bad-faith characterization that Adam got (and I will admit that it’s like 90% because this is the WF we’re talking about).

True enough. I think at the time of writing I wanted some contrast between P and J so it's not just two people agreeing with each other and nothing happening as a result, it definitely is more interesting for there to be some contrasting dynamics, but I think I might have leaned into the "hates humans" too hard. I guess the angle I was going for was that Adam gives people an opportunity to express their hatred, the same way the artist does. Maybe I'll lean into a different angle for J, where instead of just hating humans, he's actually always been an asshole and sociopath but it isn't until Adam that he felt justified in killing more openly, or that he is starting to use "we're the good guys" as an excuse to be horrible and do evil because he wants to. Either way J will return maybe but not for a long while. On an edit I'll break apart the action for better flow, I was trying something different here, purposely trying to keep sentences short and punctual and constantly moving to give the impression of action both narratively and metatextually.

Actually now that I think of it Blake is very nearly a trans allegory in actual canon. Huh.

There was also the "Was she a man?" line they had Penny say. I think it's incidental that Blake ends up as a trans allegory in the same way Elsa from Frozen was, but by the same token it wouldn't take much to tip the scales. Oddly, I think I've seen more transmasc Blake than the other way around, which I have no idea why.

Fair enough about Yang. I don't think I've ever known any lesbians and they don't seem to show up much in media, or at least not the media I consume (not counting schoolgirl anime yuri because that's all been a singular flavor).

Probably anger? Idk.

And my brain immediately filled in the gaps with a hentai plot :P

a company called the Epstein Foundation

I see you're a fan of the phrase "I know authors who use subtext and they're all COWARDS!" :P

Don’t think that level of trauma fits here lmao.

I can see why you'd want to avoid it, yeah, but I'm used to longer stories (whether that be fics, book series, shows, etc.) having peaks and valleys in terms of drama and dark subjects. A good example would be how the Tales of Ba Sing Se episode comes kinda in the middle of ATLA's second season which itself is the middle season. I'm not saying you should include all that, but that I don't think it would be terribly out of place based on where the story seems to be shaking up right now (and as I've just finished reading the next chapter I can point out you already have racial violence ending in murder as part of your subject matter).

I more or less hinted at what type of trauma she has in her dream sequence in the hospital,

（。々°）I may have forgotten there was a dream sequence. In my defense it's been several weeks and I've had things going on in the background.

I think the "was traded off as a child bride" kinda fits right into the weird mashup of cultures in Remnant, though.

Unfortunately don’t really have anything like that for Haru, except that her FFXIV race canonically fucks horses or something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPknZ3Lk4xU

"Agent P," a voice said from behind them.

I don't get it, it's just a huntsfolk.

*puts on mask*

PERRY THE HUNTSFOLK?!

On a serious note, you mention the masks early on but you don't say what kind. Given they were Faunus characters, I was inclined to think they were the Grimm-like masks of the WF, but they could have been as simple as black masquerade masks (like what Cinder wore for her infiltration during the school dance or for a much older reference the mask of the Lone Ranger) or full face masks like Zuko's blue spirit mask from Avatar before the reveal. I just think it's something that should be described early if you're going to include it.

Suddenly P was surrounded in a small space, no one making a move. Agent J was further away, dealing with their own attackers. Perry took a deep breath, waiting for the attackers to make a move, mentally refreshing who they knew was marked. Then, one stepped forward behind them.

Because the action scene very noticeably goes in one long paragraph it kind of becomes hard to follow the same way any big wall-o-text does; any of these sentences would make an excellent place for a paragraph break.

Also, coincidentally I captured a moment here where you refer to Perry by their name, where I'd gotten the impression you were trying to only refer to them by "P" or "agent P" while they were acting out WF activity. There's only like 3 places where it happens but I thought I'd point it out in case it was missed during the edit.

Then they turned and ran, throwing a sheet of paper behind them; it shimmered, turned to liquid, and then morphed into a large, raging gorilla.

Suddenly, Naruto!

As a side-note that's not really important to the story, I'm not really convinced that a lot of animals as we know them exist on Remnant due to various canon factors. Like, I recognize it's a nothingburger of a complaint/headcanon, but with all these other influences I would think following Avatar's example and "normal" animals being weird would be the way to go.

The image was already blowing up, but it only captured Agent J’s face, Agent P’s mask, and both their weapons and hats.

I feel like their weapons would be rather identifiable given the world of Remnant since they're something akin to a superhero's outfit, but I've also heard convincing arguments as to why the average Joe would confuse Shadow with Sonic, so I'll wait to see how this plays out. At the very least I expect someone in the team to find out (if I were to hazard a guess, J'atoh).

Then P noticed the blood on the floor of the photo, and the paintbrush clenched in the fist of one of the bodies, it’s head dipped in the blood.

First off, typo: should be "its head"

Second, with the way the sentence is phrased, I initially misread it as "the head of the body was dipped in blood" rather than "the head of the brush". Maybe you could say "bristles" instead of "head" here, or omit that part entirely and just say "already dipped in the pooling blood".

“The anti-Human?

Something about the phrase "anti-Human" feels too PC for this more casual talk. I would expect something more descriptive of his actions like "the rabble-rouser" or possibly some internal nickname he's picked up like "the bull" (tho TBQH that last one might smell a little too much of 4th-wall racism). I was about to suggest something like "Humaphobe" before realizing the proper way to do it in Latin would be Homophobe woops

====

I'm kind of side-eyeing Jake's little speech at the end because it feels like it's veering a little into reverse-racism territory. It's kind of a consequence of the larger-than-life tone that a fantasy story like this has to have, but part of it comes off as the same kind of bad-faith characterization that Adam got (and I will admit that it's like 90% because this is the WF we're talking about).

The chapter as a whole works well enough, but as I mentioned above the action scene being all one BIG page-and-a-half long paragraph could use some splitting. I feel like it could also use a little streamlining but I've got no experience with action scenes so can't say how it might improve. I really wasn't expecting this angle but I'm not sure if I'm just naive or I missed a clue along the way. Certainly looking forward to the fallout this may cause in the future.

I usually don't imagine or headcanon characters other than what they are for any media, but it is an interesting exercise. I could definitely see Ruby herself being trans, it would track pretty well and make sense, even if it doesn't change much character- or plot-wise. Weiss being trans though would make for very interesting plot points, especially with her family dynamics and position as capitalist royalty. I wonder if anyone's written a fanfiction with that idea? Would be very interesting to explore. Blake is the same position as Ruby imo, wherein it could make sense but fundamentally wouldn't change much, except maybe also explain her streak of activism or expand on her hiding who she is (the black bow). Actually now that I think of it Blake is very nearly a trans allegory in actual canon. Huh.

Yang tho is just an aggressive lesbian. I actually think she works better as cis to begin with, breaking the gender norms instead of "she's like this because she was raised as a boy" imo. Could make for a funny moment though, wherein someone accuses Yang of being transfem and she reacts in whichever way the author interprets her character. Probably anger? Idk.

This is adorable

... but a lot of writing advice ...

I actually don't look at a lot of writing advice, at all really. Closest I've done is take a creative writing class in college for an elective and I'm not sure how much general advice I got over specific critiques to stories I've written.

Re: Yusha's characterization. That's sort of what I've been doing, the brains vs brawn isn't supposed to be like an all encompassing thing where that's their only character traits lol, just a dynamic to build off of and show their chemistry. Characterization I've been aiming for with Yusha is total cornball and lovable idiot while actually masking deep introspective thoughts and trauma. Kind of like Helck actually, if you've seen it. Good anime, but it might fit the bill as one of those anime where they push out one season without finishing the story, so if you do check it out I recommend reading the manga.

... all these live-action releases, making me want to move to a taller building. Gimme back my hope for the future!!

Oh, ha, sorry :P

I only have my blue filters set for after 2100 so it didn't register to me but yeah I can see where the colors would turn.

I think most fans nowadays avoid drawing Blake with darker skin because of the obvious connotations it brings (I think it may have caused a few fandom kerfluffles in the past) but I'm not unused to seeing it in all my archive-diving so it didn't even register to me.

I have a blue light filter on all my devices and while it does wash out colors, it's not usually too bad except for here, where I thought Blake was red and I was wondering why Karlach was in the picture.

I’ve mentioned this before but I’m a garden path writer,[...] I just start typing bullshit and let the story carry me along for the most part.

Another name for it is "pantser" (as in "by the seat of your pants"), with those on the opposite end being "plotters". It's not a bad method of writing, but a lot of writing advice tends to be for those on the extreme end of plotting (like those that want to follow Tolkein's example and write an entire volume of worldbuilding notes alongside their story) so it's hard to find good advice for pantsers.

I had in mind at one point that Yusha and Haru would have this whole Brains v Brawn thing, where Haru’s the nerdy intelligent one that makes calls and Yusha executes them with her big brawny muscles.

I can't help but think a bit on canon RWBY, with Nora questioning herself as only having the traits "be strong and hit stuff", and yet she's got some of the deepest characterization of the main cast: orphan; carries some Grimm trauma; loyal to Ren because he saved her life as kids; (implied) grew up with Ren after Kuroyuri got destroyed; acts bubbly but is very socially aware (worked to try pushing Pyrrha & Jaune together) and ready to act as someone's rock when they need it; self-sacrificing, et cetera.

It might help to think about Yusha as like a D&D character -- being the muscle of the team might be her main defining role in battle, but she's free to have other facets of her personality come out during other types of encounters. Having them come up on the fly is perfectly fine, too, just like how characters' personal lore builds up organically from repeated successful (or failed) dice rolls.

In another story I started and never went anywhere with, Yusha’s essentially haunted by her past demons and trauma, and while this Yusha is also supposed to be haunted by past trauma, it’s not so integral a part of her character here since that would clash with the tonality and dynamics a bunch imo.

I mean, generally everyone is (especially in fiction) but I don't think you have to drop the concept completely due to the tone. It also doesn't have to be her main defining trait, obviously. Maybe the burdens she carries are only things that come out when she's thrust into uncertainty, or perhaps when she gets inebriated and the walls come down. Maybe they're things she's mostly forgotten until something from her past comes back in a weird way (former friend turned enemy?) or events play out too similarly for comfort (Haru injured in a way a friend was?). Just spitballing here since I don't know the nature of these demons you were playing with.

Your influence grows on this story day by day.

noooooooo haha

I can see how maybe Yusha was like ⅒th as high as Haru was but she doesn’t seem as straight-laced as Haru so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s like, used to a light buzz? Especially given the “interested in ‘illegal stuff’” bit.

Yeah fair enough. Lowk if that's what you got out of the chapter for Yusha's characterization, then I might hammer those in harder or work it into her character background more. I've mentioned this before but I'm a garden path writer, or one who writes into the fog. Meaning, I just start typing bullshit and let the story carry me along for the most part. Hardly ever plan, besides just thinking about the story on my day to day and trying to keep the ideas lurking in my head until I can write about them. Hence, I haven't really defined Yusha's character. I actually have no idea where I'm going with this train of thought anymore so I'm going to stop typing about it.

Probably wouldn’t hurt. I think I mentioned a few chapters back that we haven’t gotten much insight into Yusha’s perspective on all this yet.

Yusha's perspective is hard for me I think because because I'm still not entirely sure what to do with her as of yet. Haru has her whole "terrible leader" shtick, Perry has their thing revealed next chapter, J'atoh fundamentally only exists to do bits and fuck around with for funsies. Yusha... not really sure. I had in mind at one point that Yusha and Haru would have this whole Brains v Brawn thing, where Haru's the nerdy intelligent one that makes calls and Yusha executes them with her big brawny muscles. May need to push that angle harder somehow. Hmm. In another story I started and never went anywhere with, Yusha's essentially haunted by her past demons and trauma, and while this Yusha is also supposed to be haunted by past trauma, it's not so integral a part of her character here since that would clash with the tonality and dynamics a bunch imo.

Or a crop field ends up on fire? The latter one could be funny because you could have the entire team high.

Your influence grows on this story day by day.

Huh, fair enough. I hadn’t intended any of that tbh, except maybe the illegal stuff. In my head, it’s less that she’s used to being high/savvy enough to have avoided it and more she’s just built different so a single edible wouldn’t fuck her up like it did Haru who’s a lightweight.

I can see how maybe Yusha was like ⅒th as high as Haru was but she doesn’t seem as straight-laced as Haru so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s like, used to a light buzz? Especially given the “interested in ‘illegal stuff’” bit.

Also in my head Yusha isn’t necessarily totally oblivious, she also likes Haru a lot but doesn’t know how to react to someone liking her back / expressing interest in her. Which I should lean into more.

Probably wouldn’t hurt. I think I mentioned a few chapters back that we haven’t gotten much insight into Yusha’s perspective on all this yet.

Hm, would be interesting to do but I’m not sure if Haru is the kind of person to become intoxicated often voluntarily. Maybe someone poisons her, or an enemy’s semblance is getting people high/drunk on the fly?

Or they end up busting a drug ring? Like a fight breaks out in a lab and Haru ends up inhaling something? Or a crop field ends up on fire? The latter one could be funny because you could have the entire team high.

...but on the other side of the coin I don’t want you think my opinion is the end-all be-all here. I mean, I know I’m like the only one actually providing feedback but don’t think you have to stop just because I say it’s bad, especially if it gives you joy.

It does give me joy but it's not the first time my one-off bits (OOBs) have been criticized. I did a few in Dragons and Cats and when I asked if it was funny my audience said not really, they just found it odd and suggested leaning into it more if I wanted it to be a bit.

...interested in “illegal stuff”, probably too eager to get into fights, either used to being high or savvy enough to have avoided it, might be a little oblivious to Haru’s feelings but definitely concerned about her...

Huh, fair enough. I hadn't intended any of that tbh, except maybe the illegal stuff. In my head, it's less that she's used to being high/savvy enough to have avoided it and more she's just built different so a single edible wouldn't fuck her up like it did Haru who's a lightweight. Also in my head Yusha isn't necessarily totally oblivious, she also likes Haru a lot but doesn't know how to react to someone liking her back / expressing interest in her. Which I should lean into more.

Haru being high feels like a Checkov’s gun especially since she had a moment where she was surprised by her own hand touching her horn (so I expect we’ll see that come back where she’ll be intoxicated and her Semblance is off)

Hm, would be interesting to do but I'm not sure if Haru is the kind of person to become intoxicated often voluntarily. Maybe someone poisons her, or an enemy's semblance is getting people high/drunk on the fly?

Sky being in the night market is suspicious enough but he’s probably not supposed to be there, either, and the students just don’t realize that, so it makes sense that we’ll learn why he was there by the end of the arc (also it seemed like he recognized what Yusha meant by “the Artist”)

Oh don't worry, I have plans for that guy ;D

...plus there’s the whole Perry-goes-missing aspect that will probably open the next chapter.

Less "opens the next chapter" and more is the next chapter.

Oh, yeah that always throws me off when you have fresh graduates as teachers. It happens a lot in anime where there’s only supposed to be like at most a 5-year gap but probably because of my own upbringing it’s hard for me not to read every teacher as being like 15 years older than their students.

Oh, fair enough. On the edit phase, I'll have to comment on his age when he's introduced to make that clear.

I don't doubt, I've just never come across those homophobes. But since I didn't start dipping into the fandom until after news of the RT shutdown filtered down to me, I've had to dig up all of the old lore for myself (shoutout to the Yorse) and don't have a great idea of the different eras of memery and fan theories.

The homophobic Ruby joke was great until actual homophobes started using it. Some of the best r/fnki memes were after that episode came out.

Meanwhile I tend to sit on the other side of that shirt spectrum.

Aww but I love my one-off bits (◞‸ ◟)

You could probably lean into it a little more (and thus make it not a one-off) to make it stand out less, but on the other side of the coin I don't want you think my opinion is the end-all be-all here. I mean, I know I'm like the only one actually providing feedback but don't think you have to stop just because I say it's bad, especially if it gives you joy.

huh really? I thought it was not enough set up.

I mean, we get insights into Yusha's character a bit here -- interested in "illegal stuff", probably too eager to get into fights, either used to being high or savvy enough to have avoided it, might be a little oblivious to Haru's feelings but definitely concerned about her -- and Haru being high feels like a Checkov's gun especially since she had a moment where she was surprised by her own hand touching her horn (so I expect we'll see that come back where she'll be intoxicated and her Semblance is off). Sky being in the night market is suspicious enough but he's probably not supposed to be there, either, and the students just don't realize that, so it makes sense that we'll learn why he was there by the end of the arc (also it seemed like he recognized what Yusha meant by "the Artist"), plus there's the whole Perry-goes-missing aspect that will probably open the next chapter. I can't say what exactly you're planning from this but there's a number of little seeds with opportunity to grow.

I think he reads as casual because in my head, Sky is not much older than the students.

Oh, yeah that always throws me off when you have fresh graduates as teachers. It happens a lot in anime where there's only supposed to be like at most a 5-year gap but probably because of my own upbringing it's hard for me not to read every teacher as being like 15 years older than their students.

but it just looks odd when it’s one-off like this.

Aww but I love my one-off bits (◞‸ ◟)

Re: J'atoh gambling. Fair I could have shown it better. In my very flimsy defense, Haru was high. She not noticing much except Yusha.

I think you did a decent amount of setup here

huh really? I thought it was not enough set up.

The encounter with Sky reads a little odd to me but that’s mostly because he keeps being so casual with the students, waiting to threaten to report them for breaking curfew until the very end.

I think he reads as casual because in my head, Sky is not much older than the students. The way I have it floating around my think pan is that he graduated at Shade and started doing teaching stuff immediately after, before being sent to Haven.

Relatable af

Sensing the mood had become Grimm,

I assume this is intentional and not like an autocorrect goof, but I tend to avoid turns of phrase like this because it stands out unless you go through the effort of changing the entire world’s vocab to account for it being fantastical. Like, don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate the occasional “I swear to Dust” or “oh my Oum” but it just looks odd when it’s one-off like this.

They found J’atoh gambling at a table, and clearly losing.

This may be my own preferences here, but both halves of this description are annoyingly vague. Gambling with what? Cards? Dice? Beyblades? Is it something like you’d see at a casino or more like the 3-card monte scam? And how can they tell J’atoh is “clearly” losing? Have they been playing strip poker? Is the pot sitting out on the table? I’m just not able to picture what they found.

Haru scanned the crowd, her eyes lazily drifting person to person until she spotted who Yusha was talking about a few moments later.

May have missed a word – should be something like “from person to person”

====

I can practically hear the sinister music sting at the end of the chapter here. I think you did a decent amount of setup here but yeah it definitely reads as if this and the previous should have just been one chapter. The encounter with Sky reads a little odd to me but that’s mostly because he keeps being so casual with the students, waiting to threaten to report them for breaking curfew until the very end.

I need the "I'm not a top I'm just tall" shirt

I didn't even think about that. It could have been loosely inspired by Lopunny, though I expect if anything it's convergent evolution based on common rabbit traits.