Subscribing in case anybody has any book recs! I relate to what you said in a comment where a book talking about having a lot of sex doesn’t make as much sense to you as something talking about having multiple serious, loving partners

I'm hella late to this post, but this is the most wholesome view of relationships and intimacy, and one I resonate with deeply.

Can you recommend other written works that have better resonated with your experience of polyamory?

I have only read the ethical slut a little bit, can you go over what felt old fashioned and American. Coming from America I want to know what I'm missing or forgot.

Thank you!

The beautiful thing about polyamory after all is that we can have both :)

I think the whole rigid concept of 'asking a stranger out on a date' -> 'dating phase where every wrong move means goodbye' -> 'proposing going steady' is antithetical to the spirit of polyamory in a way.

Almost all my relationships just gradually and naturally grew out of friendships. My latest one was originally a friend of a friend, and our first conversation was me excitedly infodumping about European emergency vehicles. She was super hooked and interested and I felt like she was pleasant to interact with, so we hung out more often. We talked almost every day because it was just fun to communicate about our hobbies and special interests, and we became friends. Eventually it got to the point where we talked about some deeper topics, trauma, relationships, kinks and such. And that's usually where we get romantically or sexuall involved just by casually being like 'ha I wish' and 'hey I'm here anytime', you know? No official Big Date That Needs To Go Perfectly, no playing pretend, no charades.

I just don't really like making hard cuts between labels such as 'friends' or 'relationships'. They're limiting and simplistic. By implying they're completely and wholly separate, you kind of set yourself up for failure: you have to ask someone out and go on a date, which is a really scary and anxiety-inducing, awkward process. Instead of developing a relationship naturally, you come to someone with a full business proposal of long-term commitment, sex, love, unquestioned support and making living arrangements. And if anything goes wrong, the whole thing is irreparably impossible. Of course that's scary.

I had spontaneous sex with some of my friends, and it doesn't throw us for a crisis because of any 'implications' mono cishet people would associate with that 'step'. It doesn't mean we suddenly have to stare into each others eyes and feel our hearts beat with love. It just meant we had sex. Having sex once in a while can be an activity among friends and it doesn't imply we need to love each other or stay committed to anything.

And similarly, you can love someone or be in a romantic relationship with someone without the expectations of typical 'partnership' things like them meeting your parents, you moving together, you being committed to each other for life. Likewise, you can have all of these committed partnership aspects in your relationship but not be up for sexual contact because you don't feel like it with them. Without labels, this is all possible.

The most natural way of starting relationships is just to make good friends and just doing what you want with them until you happen to find yourself in a relationship one day and laugh about how this happened.

Good friendship and romance are practically indistinguishable anyway.

Part of why I am polyamorous is that I enjoy experiencing all kinds of connections people can make. I like short-lived relationships and commitment for life, loose and casual ones just as much as deeply connecting ones that end up intertwining my life with someone else's irreversibly.

I like not having to go through the hoops and motions of 'standard' traditional relationships with a clearly defined dating phase, 'going steady' and all that. My partner(s) and I just do what we want and what we like, whether that's a deep friendship with a romantic component, a loose kink adventure or a non-sexual but highly romantic marriage-style commitment. We just do what works for all of us.

It's a difficult situation to be sure.

Blanket exclusion from romantic relationships and friendships is insane, and that says way more about the existing polycule than the person with HIV.

Sexual relationships are a different topic of course. I think the whole 'we're going to make a blacklist database of people you have slept with' is creepy and abusive. We have readily available STD testing in this part of the world, we have safer sex, and we have agency over ourselves. An HIV-positive person is not a rabid animal to protect your loved ones from, they're a person one can talk to and communicate with.

Of course everyone can set limits about their own sexual activity and even feel uncomfortable with sleeping with someone who has had sexual contact with an HIV-positive person – even if it was with protection – but I think such a bureaucratic process like you described seriously dehumanises the person in question. I generally dislike the tendency of some polycules to become bureaucratised cliques with tribunals, evidence lockers and subterfuge. I don't want to date the equivalent of an HR investigative board.

I think the best way to handle this is to rely on the person with HIV to be responsible about disease management, and set your own boundaries for your own sexual activities in addition. If you can't trust them to responsibly handle their infection status, why would you consider bringing them in the polycule in the first place? And if you can trust them, why the humiliation and dehumanisation of a high court process and privacy-violating 'investigation'?

I'm in this camp, for sure. I've had mono relationships that were doomed from the start. Either it was going away to school, going back home, or in one case, my lover finally got a call back from a military recruiter. In all cases, they're wonderful memories I carry with me, including the bittersweet parts at the end. I haven't had the opportunity in a long while, but I look forward to these kinds of things.

The worst part is facing the inevitable end. In a poly context, the upside is that you may have people to fall back on for support; depending on your situation. Its nice to have people to support you, but another thing entirely when they intimately know how you operate sexually and romantically. The downside is that it will still hurt, regardless if you see it coming. Ultimately, it's another emotional situation to learn how to contend with. But with that framing, I like to think it's something that can be met with a skilled response, rather than any kind of emotional "freefall."

That said, I can see this being really bad for folks where the "cost of entry" for a new relationship isn't worth something short-term. Not everyone handles NRE all that well, sometimes to the point of hating it. Then there's folks that need accommodations (think: neurodivergence, trauma, etc) which takes a lot of time to work out with a new person. Finally, the other party might also be in those camps. I'm sure there's other situations that are "expensive" for setting up a new relationship. All-in-all, it can take a lot of work to get into a comfortable groove which makes long-term relationships far more sense.

I still remember jr high relationships and the fun experiences we had. As an adult short relationships can still be impactful. Also gives me space to experience more.

I hate to say it, but you need to talk to the people you're interested in. There's a variety of ways to do this. You could ask one on a date, and then mention polyamory when having the "what are you looking for" conversation. Or you could bring up polyamory casually and see how they feel about it, outside of a "dating you" context.

But, at the end of the day, you have to do the hard work of talking about your interests, feelings, and desires if you want to establish and maintain intimacy with someone. If I were friends with someone, I might choose the "bring poly stuff up" tactic to get a vibe check before proceeding. If these are more strangers, then I'd ask if they wanted to grab lunch or coffee sometime and use that to break the ice.

Edit: you can use Feeld, too, if you want. I think it has a larger proportion of poly folks than any other app I'm aware of. I met one of my partners there.

Dating apps seem like they would be nice, but using them makes me feel awful :(

Maybe I'll update if I end up talking to any of them

Following because I’m in a similar situation. I also don’t want to use dating apps so I mostly only want to go out with people I meet in person 😅

I'm not really good at dating in person, or really anything in person but being openly polyam and just flirting with people openly has seemed to go fine. It's not been perfect for sure but being upfront about what I want and what I'm offering has mostly worked.

My experience with breaking up with long term partners is that the rebound love you get after being apart for a while is temporary.

So I'm saying you don't love two people. You love one, and you're dependent on the other. But ymmv

I think you're focusing a lot on your perspective and not his.

Is he poly? If he isn't, then he probably isn't ok with the idea of sharing his partner.

Whatever the reason, it happened, and it was your decision. How can he ever be sure it won't happen again, that you won't decide you can't give each other what you need again?

I think if you push this, the relationship is going to fracture irreparably, sooner or later, depending on how tolerant he is.

@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works I'm not trying to fix it because we're doing well together. I just want to figure out how to talk to him more about this. When I left him, I left him for both our sakes. I couldn't give him what he needed at the time because I didn't even know what I needed or wanted or even who I was and he lost himself in it as well. Our time apart was good for both of us and that is not just my words.

@surewhynotlem@lemmy.world So loving two people isn't polyamory? I don't understand where you got these ideas from.

This doesn't sound like polyamory to me. It sounds like rose colored glasses and nostalgia. You gotta move on, for both your sakes.

Just my $0.02

@SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world There's a lot more to it than that. We both had our own issues that we weren't talking about or confronting. It got to a point where neither of us really cared and were just going through motions and snapping at each other. I also, at the time, couldn't give him what he needed. I felt inadequate and had to figure things out for myself. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted and he admits that he felt the same. We know communicate more openly than we ever really had. I hadn't put the poly puzzle together until recently

Are we talking about the man you left once already? That certainly seems like a reasonable fear. Unfortunately, given the history, I don't think there's anything you can do to assuage that fear. From his perspective all he can know is that it's happened before.

Polyamory isn't a "Fix it" button for struggling relationships. If he's not comfortable with it, he's not comfortable with it. You have to respect his wishes if you want a relationship with him.

It sure sounds like it was because you wanted someone else.

I started feeling trapped and was starting to fall for other people and we just stopped getting along for a while so I decided I wanted to call it off both for his sake and mine.

If that's not what happened then tell it like it happened.