It turned out to be my crappy, no name USB. All OSes boot fine now, even 64-bit. I love when computer shit is simple.

Linux wins the day, viva la Tux!

Not a Linux nerd but just to make sure you checked the basics: did you verify integrity of the OS image? Are you able to verify your USB, memory and HDD all work in isolation?

My first hunch on this is hardware issue, because you get hard shutdowns from what I can gather. I could be wrong though, I only install OS occasionally.

We need more info. What model laptop, for starters?

Trying too hard to get a reaction by threatening to load Windows, the hardware hog? Way too low to even be believable.

First thing that comes to mind with a thrifted laptop is that you need to use an older distro compiled for 32bit cpu. But honestly, modern laptops are cheap and the overall experience regardless of OS is that very old hardware is going to look bad by comparison with anything on a store shelf so unless you are familiar with Linux already and committed to rehab old hardware (e.g. for standalone use) then it probably isn't worth your time.