I wish this were satire

Honestly you have to consider if it's safe to move the person in the US. If it is, driving them yourself is probably faster. Any ambulance will have to get to you, before it can get you to a hospital. The advantage EMTs have is that they have the tools and equipment to stabilize a patient for transport. So it's a case by case kind of situation.

the amount of people i know, including myself, who have walked, biked, or taken a cab to the emergency room...