I had to take a background check last year that essentially gave them the rights to reach out to anybody that has possibly known me my entire life.

For a job I was already working. So incredibly invasive.

ok whatever, dude

Well Mr. MacGyver, the good news is you are drug free. The bad news is you are pregnant and have herpes and syphillis.

You do need pee from the same sex as you they can tell easily.

Heat it up, wear whitey tidey underwear, (which I hate,) and snug the pee on your taint.

Last time I did that, the test people said it was a little hotter than it should be, I said it's hot out and I walked here.

Best though, if you quit for several days first, drink lots and lots of water to dilute your piss, then take a few vitamins to add colour to your pee. It works.

I see you passed the drug test; have you been coming into work on LSD everyday?

LSD they have to do a spinal tap to test for. At least as of 20 some years back. I thought there was a test for mushrooms but not sure. I don't think it's a commonly tested for one though in any case.

I've stopped asking, got used to being judged I guess.