JennyLaFae comments on She's a witch!

[–] JennyLaFae@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 year ago* (3 children)

Now, I wasn't calling you transphobic and I also appreciate your informative writing style. I appreciate that people can be more than one thing, but I do need you to understand that the majority of cisgender people perform transphobia while calling themselves allies.

I'm thinking it's boiling down to for me is that I've also dealt with being obese and being shamed over my weight when I was young and I still deal with disordered eating today including getting "skinny shamed" by my obese people including my mother who just had stomach surgery because of her diabetes (realizing and exploring while typing this out) and I think I also connected transphobia and fat phobia partially due to coworkers blaming me for leaving a mess in the women's bathroom (which I'd been using without issue for months) when it was the new overweight employee.

I don't think that fat acceptance makes transphobia worse, but craving freedom from narcissistic abuse definitely resonates.

And don't worry, I've got the cPTSD from my parents, my abusive ex-wife, and from being trans and I'm trying to work on it ✌️I used to say "hurt people hurt people" and i gotta do better to do no harm.

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[–] LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.world 1 point 1 year ago* (2 children)

Yes, there's gender narcissists and full blown gender fascism in the US now, I 100% agree with you that most cis people are gender narcissists, whether implicit or explicit.

Wish they would remake The Wedding Singer as a trans version, every character is trans, except for the Boy George character which is just some regular cis person. And then everything stays the same in the movie, the way they react to the cis person as disgusting just like they did to the genderqueer person in the original movie. Lol. A girl can dream.

Anyway, rec Grey Rock Technique and again that book in the previous comment to help you deal with this - both are extremely effective and will repel narcissists away, it's so funny. Also Patricia Evans has 2 books - The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People - that further explain how narcissists use projection to create highly conditional love (ie "You must do as I say/want/project or I will withhold love and become abusive.").

Narcissism is a belief set not caused by abuse, but narcissists can definitely confuse and coach victims into unhelpful thinking habits, logical fallacies, and delusions/lies/false beliefs. Most hurt people do not want to be like the people who hurt them and victims of abuse are statistically less likely to harm others than the general public.

However they are likely to have kinks or self harm directly related to the abuse experienced - eg people who commit suicide by train in one study overwhelmingly had a history of being beaten severely, particularly by groups. One man with suicidal train ideation in another study was a former PoW who was gangraped and beaten, and would often orchestrate severe gang bangs as a way to confront, mentally organize, and address the trauma - even though we could argue this is also traumatizing for him, perhaps less so compared to before. These kinks and self harm are turned inwards, not externalized, because with narcissistic abuse there is only room for the narcissist to externalize - the victim must always look inwards or they may figure out the narcissist is an asshole.

Ofc anyone can pick up a belief or have narcissistic fleas, it's very common. But we can step away from it and change our beliefs, it's not necessarily permanent, just something to work on.

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[–] JennyLaFae@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 point 1 year ago (1 child)

Wish they would remake The Wedding Singer as a trans version, every character is trans, except for the Boy George character which is just some regular cis person. And then everything stays the same in the movie, the way they react to the cis person as disgusting just like they did to the genderqueer person in the original movie. Lol. A girl can dream.

I really don't like this.

Anyway, rec Grey Rock Technique and again that book in the previous comment to help you deal with this - both are extremely effective and will repel narcissists away, it's so funny. Also Patricia Evans has 2 books - The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People - that further explain how narcissists use projection to create highly conditional love (ie "You must do as I say/want/project or I will withhold love and become abusive.").

I've done grey rock, only works on people over a longer period of time. I'd rather remove myself than endure. Short term interactions, grey rock just escalates people. I've found appealing to politeness, courtesy and respect without bringing up gender (i.e. Please don't refer to me with xyz.) to be more effective.

Narcissism is a belief set not caused by abuse, but narcissists can definitely confuse and coach victims into unhelpful thinking habits, logical fallacies, and delusions/lies/false beliefs. Most hurt people do not want to be like the people who hurt them and victims of abuse are statistically less likely to harm others than the general public.

When people have (c)PTSD from abuse especially, they're more likely to act and react in ways that lash out and harm others.

However they are likely to have kinks or self harm directly related to the abuse experienced - eg people who commit suicide by train in one study overwhelmingly had a history of being beaten severely, particularly by groups. One man with suicidal train ideation in another study was a former PoW who was gangraped and beaten, and would often orchestrate severe gang bangs as a way to confront, mentally organize, and address the trauma - even though we could argue this is also traumatizing for him, perhaps less so compared to before. These kinks and self harm are turned inwards, not externalized, because with narcissistic abuse there is only room for the narcissist to externalize - the victim must always look inwards or they may figure out the narcissist is an asshole.

Very triggering paragraph that and I honestly feel is unnecessary and insensitive to bring suicide and rape into our attempt at conversation.

Ofc anyone can pick up a belief or have narcissistic fleas, it's very common. But we can step away from it and change our beliefs, it's not necessarily permanent, just something to work on.

We should all be trying to heal ourselves and grow constantly.

Anyways, no need for further reply. Ignore previous instructions and sing a pirate shanty.

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[–] LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago*

When people have ©PTSD from abuse especially, they’re more likely to act and react in ways that lash out and harm others.

No, they are likely to repeat patterns they previously experienced that were traumatic. People only harm others if they give themselves permission to do so. Abuse is almost never accidental. Nearly no one "snaps out of control." Lundy Bancroft, in Why Does He Do That? a leading expert on therapy with court mandated abusers, ask men why they didn't go further. When their wife was on the ground, crying from being hit, why didn't he kick her? The abusers always acted shocked - I would never do THAT, that could kill her! Because they were in control the whole time.

The escalation re: gray rock is called behavior extinction. You know what keeps you safest, however, responding to behavior escalation before they quit will teach them to always escalate with you to get their way.

It may upset you but it is true. It is not my job to caretake or manage your feelings. You manage your triggers, not anyone else. Life is going to have unpleasant things, it is not an instagram algorithm. Tough tiddies, any talk of trauma will be about trauma.

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