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I can't figure out what i want (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 week ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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This isnt really a cw vent as much as a mind infodump so I'm not tagging it.

When I first posted a week ago I was still deep in revelation of "dang I kinda like dressing fem". And wondering if im really trans or just like cross dressing or if im fluid or whatever the fuck.

I'm more stressed now as im at the tail end of moving out and I've been go-go-go for this entire time without a break. So I haven't really been thinking about it, every day it's just throw my work jeans on,get the nonrunning project car running so it can get out of the garage, try to keep head straight at work, bla bla. And like, when I'm hard focused, I don't mind being a man. I'm just getting shit done out here bro.

Which makes me wonder. When I get moved to the new place and life slows back down is this shit gonna hit me like a ton of bricks all at once? Or is it just ADHD novelty seeking drawing me in for a couple weeks and I'm faking everything?

Its weird. I haven't tried talking about it to my partner yet but I doubt she'd be that worried (she's super bi and open/an ally for all queers). But I'm still left questioning wtf my brain wants. I don't really want to be this way because it adds so much more complexity to my day life.

I hate being sentient lol

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[–] 7 points 1 week ago (1 child)

The whole, "my brain is engaged by something else so my problems don't exist" thing happens to me too. I used to think that I operated best at work, but I've realized it's just that I'm partially dissociating and my brain becomes fully occupied by whatever it is I'm doing. It's easy to think you don't dislike being a man when you're in a state like that and not thinking about it, and that was definitely the case for me. When you're not occupied will more than likely be a better litmus test of what you actually want. Maybe I was just able to identify it better because I finally knew what the root cause of the bad feeling, but wasn't until I realized I was trans that I developed a lot of dysphoria and could put a name to it. Before that, being a guy was not a problem* for me.

I would definitely suggest bringing it up with your partner. If she's anything like my wife, she will be a great help in figuring yourself out. My marriage was a bit rocky for a little bit because my wife wasn't certain she could be with a woman, but when she internalized that it was still me, she became my biggest supporter, and being able to talk to someone about all aspects of my transition with no tmi filter has been huge.

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