or a diet drug available for me tho

There is. Eat more fibers and veggies.

You can already poop in a box and mail it off instead of fingers up the ass. -- https://www.cologuard.com/

GLP-1 is already a diet drug that's available to most people.

2/3 of your hopes already exist. Maybe not for everyone, maybe it's out of your price range, but they exist.

And by then it'll only be available for the rich.

GLPs are coming down in price, I've seen them as low as $130/mo. I lost 20 pounds in the first three weeks. Its slowed to about 1-2 per week now but it is steady.