cis women also had to deal with comments like “well what did you do for him to do that to you?” in regards to domestic violence.

Most victims of domestic violence face this kind of scrutiny, not just cis women. I'm including men, trans, enbies, everyone.

There are definitely some circumstances where this rings true that isn't rape, but rape victims are treated in this way the majority of the time.

I never had a problem with my parents in terms of abuse, but I have had people tell me that the boys who were bullying me in school just liked me and I should be nicer to them.

This came from teachers, no less. Sometimes even women teachers.

The "don't make waves" social pressure is one of the most troubling elements of family abuse and violence to me. And it's so deeply internalized that I wish people were more willing to think twice about what healthy boundaries mean even in the closest families.

I was in a conversation a while back with a man I respected, soft-spoken and gentle by all appearances, who, when the topic (indirectly) came up, insisted that there's nothing anyone could do that justifies being shunned from a family. Even when pressed, he doubled down on it.

Hearing that made me really uncomfortable and I didn't figure out exactly why until recently. I don't interact with the man anymore, but I can only hope it came out of a place of privilege, of never experiencing some of these horrors within his own family, not out of some sense of threat to what he felt entitled to--but I have my doubts.

This is a very common element of abuse. It is called DARVO, for:

• Deny the harm or abuse
• Attack the victim and/or victim's supporters
• Reverse Victim and Offender

Personally, I view DARVO as the defining element of abuse, and what distinguishes it from mere neglect/battery/theft/etc.

Ive heard that trans women like being raped because they 'dress like that'. As if being a woman means that you automatically exist to be a sex object.