And let’s live in the alternate reality you’re talking about for a minute

We've been in reality for quite a bit.

Can two straight people get married in China with no intention of procreation?

It'd be really, really weird culturally and a huge risk most aren't willing to take. Also if you're a straight foreigner marrying a chinese national your application will almost certainly be denied if you state you're not willing to have kids, since that'll be seen as a fake marriage trying to gain Chinese spousal residency.

Can two gay people get married if they’re planning to adopt?

Since they can enter into a mutual guardianship and adopt yes? You people get tripped up on the word 'Marriage' way too much. A rephrasing would be can two gay people cohabitate, share full financial resources, get tax breaks, and adopt? Sure. Can they get 'married'? No. The difference is entirely without substance at this point, but because Stalin was so incredibly anti-gay, we're still suffering through the lasting 'but that's not the right way' nonsense cultural war he started so you can't call it marriage.

Can they even adopt?

Yes.

Come on man, I get being wrong, but don’t double down on it.

I live here half the year, dumbass. You are objectively the incorrect one, in anything you say about China.