I’m baffled as to why Apple still won’t let users simply tap and hold an app and put it wherever they want.

I’m not sure I get the issue? iOS has been able to do this for a while now, I just tested to make sure I’m not going crazy, but I can indeed put an app on an empty page in the middle of the screen. I get the issue with the folders running away from the app you’re trying to drop into it, that is frustrating design, but also the app-shunting behaviour is a non-issue for me, because the apps move back into place once you drag the app past the shunted once.