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eggshells all the way down (lemmy.ca)
submitted 8 months ago by to c/me_irl@lemmy.world
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[–] 4 points 8 months ago (3 children)

Emotionally abusive parents is what is described, you become very sensitive to nonverbal clues of your parent(s).

It's not exaggerating, you really get to live around their personal tripwires. And then assume everybody else has those, which makes it hard to trust people.

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  • [–] -1 points 8 months ago (2 children)

    Emotionally abusive parents is what is described

    How is a quieter than usual Dad an abusive parent? it is an absolute exaggeration.

    Let me explain: a ranging alcoholic, violent father, would trigger all emotional alerts on a kid. As soon as said father arrives home, the kid would be on edge.

    So, in a post like this, they basically skipped over the entire context of the raging alcoholism... instead they said it's a red flag when parents arrive and open the door.

    I understand the context is supposed to be implied; but the post is just very poorly written. It would be like me saying "you learn quickly to protect your face from a bite as soon as a dog barks"... dogs bark all the time, very few would eat people's faces. In this example, a simple slam of a cabinet or a quieter then usual dad could mean 100000 benign things. OP should have been clear that this was already an abusive environment or at least select better examples of "alerting" behaviour

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  • [–] 4 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 child)

    I agree it could be worded more clearly. Yet for everyone who has lived with this it is clear. Like with depression people always assume its the grand things that hold the sadness, or the madness. It leads people who haven't experienced it to say 'Just do something fun'.

    Your example of raging alcoholism is a good example. You would say 'just avoid your parents when they are drunk', which is good advice, but emotionally abusive people are very adept at making amends and smoothing stuff out when they have recovered. They will be super sweet and attentive but -which is the brutal part- always switch to full drama mode when you least expect it. So you learn to pick up minute cues you can use to shield yourself from incoming emotional blows, but sometimes they still manage to surprise you when you've got your guard down.

    That's why you can never feel safe around them, there might be a hair trigger going off any moment that you didn't know existed. And whilst you can easily advice people in a realtionship like that to just stay clear of those people, it most likely happens when you are a child and simply unable to just distance yourself. But even grown people still fall into the spiral of just wanting their parents to be proud of them even though they should rationally know it will never happen.

    The text is very clear for those who have experienced that. It's very hard to fathom for those who haven't, and those are blessed for it.

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  • [–] 1 point 8 months ago

    I agree it could be worded more clearly. Yet for everyone who has lived with this it is clear.

    Certainly... but for people who are vulnerable in many other ways, it may paint a rushed mom or a worried dad as abusive when they are not. This is not posted in an "abusive household" community where the context is implied.

    You would say ‘just avoid your parents when they are drunk’

    I would NOT say that.

    Overall you are arguing the wrong things with me. I understood the post and agree that catering to abusive parent's emotions creates bad emotional responses... my point is that the post does not, in anyway, make it clear this is an emotionally abusive household (they almost make a point not to) and then paint completely normal empathetic reactions as defense/survival mechanisms.

    A clear post would not use the vague wording "someone's mood changes the atmosphere". If I am your best friend, my dog just died but I still make an effort to go to your birthday party because you are my best friend. My mood is not quite right and you, being my best friend, notice, ask me about it and I cry telling you "Fluffy" just died. My sad mood will absolutely (if temporarily) kill the atmosphere of your party... I guess I am an abusive friend for trying to not bail on your birthday and you are somehow on survival mode because you had empathy for me?

    I am using this example "on the other edge" of the spectrum just to show how poorly written the post was and how it can easily fit the most benign scenario

    The text is very clear for those who have experienced that. It’s very hard to fathom for those who haven’t, and those are blessed for it.

    And this is why I care... not everyone is super stable/smart/objective/capable of self reflection... this is the irresponsible shit going online that pushes those people the wrong way

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