Landless2029 comments on I'm writing a LN!

submitted 9 months ago by Mercuri@ani.social to c/lightnovels@ani.social

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Hey Bookworms! So... I've sorta been writing my own LN. It's an isekai with some LitRPG elements without turning into spreadsheet porn.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EIrE-NY4ivUcPvoLtGHfuVZrRXARKiHx/view?usp=sharing

I'm maybe 1/5th of the way done with book one but I'm starting to get those nagging brainworms.

You know, like, "Ugh, what am I even doing. Is anyone even going to enjoy this?"

My IRL friends don't read much and even if they do they don't read isekai and don't understand the tropes (eg. "Hey, why isn't this guy freaking out 24/7 about being in another world?")

So... plz read my book and tell me what you think? uwu

Title is WIP. Most everything else is not, although I might tweak a few things later. And yes, this book cover is AI... I absolutely will NOT use AI for the final version but I wanted something to keep my mind focused.

[–] Landless2029@lemmy.world 2 points 9 months ago (10 children)

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[–] Mercuri@ani.social [S] 3 points 2 months ago (9 children)

Sorry it took so long to respond but... I do...

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EIrE-NY4ivUcPvoLtGHfuVZrRXARKiHx/view?usp=sharing

I rewrote a bunch and there's like, 14 chapters or so now? I'll probably post again on the light novels thread but I'm trying to get past a bit of writers block.

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[–] Landless2029@lemmy.world 1 point 2 months ago (4 children)

Fully caught up now. I got a imperfect workaround for the epub thing.

Need to reread a few times and I'll provide feedback.

Really good so far. Need to compare to previous version to pick out changes. I realize the water scene was tweaked. No more mild citrus bit. I liked that part.

I also like the personality of the system screen. Surprised he didn't name it or call it "system". Feels like it has an ego.

Interesting foreshadowing with the interaction of system in the guild.

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[–] Mercuri@ani.social [S] 1 point 2 months ago (3 children)

Need to reread a few times and I’ll provide feedback.

Dang, you devoured that. Honestly, I really appreciate the feedback. Whether it's good or bad, it helps. Plus, it's nice to know that people are actually reading my story ^_^

I realize the water scene was tweaked. No more mild citrus bit. I liked that part.

Oh yeah, I ended up completely rewriting the first few chapters. When I took a step back I realized I was just going through the motions and trying to set up some big reveal and totally forgot to make the journey memorable. Worse, I was purposely making my story boring because I wanted it to seem generic until "OMG BIG REVEAL" but... yeah, that made the story really drag. Plus it was a lot of survival stuff when the book isn't really "modern guy has to survive in fantasy world" and more "computer guy stuck in fantasy world with a System that's suspiciously IT-like" but I could definitely see about putting the "tastes mildly of citrus" back. I liked that bit too.

I also like the personality of the system screen. Surprised he didn’t name it or call it “system”. Feels like it has an ego.

Yeah, I've been trying to keep a distinct personality (or lack thereof) for the System, especially since that's one of the cornerstones of the story. And he usually just calls it "the System" but yeah, maybe giving it a name or just calling it "System" would suit Evan. Like in Reincarnated as a Sword where Teacher calls his system-analog "P.A."

Interesting foreshadowing with the interaction of system in the guild.

This was one of the fun bits to write because super early iterations had all kinds of stuff, but none of it felt like my story. But once I fleshed out some of the lore of the world, the whole guild scene just came together. And yes, it's absolutely foreshadowing stuff. But more importantly, Evan could've just become a turnip farmer if it wasn't for the sunk-cost. Tragic.

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[–] Landless2029@lemmy.world 1 point 2 months ago (2 children)

Yes I devour novels. I have full Aphantasia meaning if I watch a anime, read a manga, novel, or web novel it's all the same in my recollection.

I take this is stride and spin it. In my mind I didn't read a read a book. I bindge the first two episodes of a new anime.

I remember Evan as a classic black company MC who's a burnt out programmer with dead eyes and slouches get dropped from the sky into a grassland.

I remember Evan getting frustrated with his inventory, talking to trees, get relieved from finding water, talking to steve, and find relief from seeing Karth. Also getting annoyed at his "Navi".

I remember the gaurd with major SSDD (same shit different day) energy greet Evan. Getting thrown off by the cat-girl and everything else.

The medium doesn't matter to me. My lack of visual recollection allows me to binge hundreds of series as the author intended without all the extra ecchi and fan service bolted on that anime has.

This novel you've shared is like a new fancy donut of a flavour I'd enjoy. I got to have one bite and the donut disappeared.

I'm used to it. Happens all the time. I actually go as far as tracking Japanese and Korean raw we novels and translate them for more content...

You kinda fell off Lemmy 7 months ago so I never sent you my other feedback for v1. I started with general advice and tips before going deep into my review. Not everyone responds well to constructive criticism.

Ch1 vs ch4 was totally different and I was going to recommend you give the intro more effect.

Even without that feedback I feel like you did a great job. I also really like the addition of Steve. Very 'cast away'.

Do you prefer Lemmy for feedback or would you be open to Discord for a more banter friendly platform?

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[–] Mercuri@ani.social [S] 1 point 2 months ago (1 child)

I have full Aphantasia

Oh, crazy. I'm probably closer to the exact opposite. I have vivid images in my head, so much so that if I read a novel and then see an adaptation, I'll often be like "who the heck is this person?" because their rendition is different than my mental image I created.

I remember Evan as a classic black company MC who’s a burnt out programmer with dead eyes and slouches get dropped from the sky into a grassland.

You know, that wasn't my original intention, but it fits extremely well.

This novel you’ve shared is like a new fancy donut of a flavour I’d enjoy. I got to have one bite and the donut disappeared.

That's... actually a pretty awesome compliment. Thanks!

You kinda fell off Lemmy 7 months ago so I never sent you my other feedback for v1. I started with general advice and tips before going deep into my review. Not everyone responds well to constructive criticism.

Yeah, sorry about that. I did stop writing for a bit after some of the criticism I received, not because I was dejected but because I wanted to redo what I had written. Honestly, the harshest criticism I got was some of the most useful, and it made me realize I needed to adjust the writing. So the initial feedback I got was "beginning sucks, later chapters are pretty good" so I tried to bring that energy and what I'd learned up to that point to the first few chapters and I like it a lot more.

Related side note, one of my friends had been reading my early drafts and his first feedback was "Eh... maybe I just don't get isekai..." because he wasn't liking it but was trying to be nice about it. But he also couldn't tell me exactly what was wrong. Someone else going "this generic BS right here? That sucks. But this crazy catgirl? Fantastic." So I rewrote a bunch of stuff and then that same friend was like "hey, do you have more chapters?! I'm all caught up!" so I knew I was making good progress.

I also really like the addition of Steve. Very ‘cast away’.

Steve was an addition when I just let my imagination run wild. I was like "lets be a little silly" and I wrote it in and it worked. And yes, it's definitely a bit Cast Away, especially when Evan gives Steve emotions.

Do you prefer Lemmy for feedback or would you be open to Discord for a more banter friendly platform?

Hmm... I'm open to both. My Discord is @mercuri. Just be sure to say you're Landless from Lemmy because I get a billion random friend requests from people trying to sell me AI art and other BS so I tend to ignore them all.

On a random side note, the epub version actually has the latest WIP chapter. I've rewritten it 3 times already because I know where I want the story to go, but I'm not entirely sure how to get there. But trial and error is one way this stuff works.

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