I don't like "smart" features, I hate being forced to create accounts for everything, I want my data to only be local, I loathe smileys, I'd much rather talk to you face to face, I don't know wtf is an app and why yours is just a wrapper to your webpage, pure html pages with terrible colour choices are fucking class, I say "hacker" to mean "hacker" and not "cracker", I still don't understand the success of tablets, and you look like a dick with your mini doomscroll machine on your wrist.

EDIT: fixing rage induced typos