this would actually be achieved by a team of 20 thousand oompa loompas with small shovels and 500 million tons of cocaine

One can hope

I don't think there's anything that could make a crater like that on Earth. Like, an impact big enough to leave a crater that big would render the entire crust splashy enough to fill it back in.

Every single nuke in the world pointed at the same spot could not achieve anything even close to this.

No, but they could create a thin glass crust over the whole area that would accomplish much the same effect.

That circle is roughly about 2000 miles across (according to rough measurements in Google maps), which is only about 2x the size of the Gulf of Mexico.

But yeah, this would be a cataclysmic event.