Building the machine wasn't embarrassing, getting all animated and excited around other humans was embarrassing. I know it isn't. I know that isn't normal. I don't know why I have that reaction later on, other than when I was a kid other kids made fun of me whenever I did. Like, if I ever got excited and hyper or something other kids would laugh and make comments about I was fat and it I moved around I'd jiggle. Shit like that. It made me end up with basically the mindset that I need to be stoic all the fucking time unless I'm very close to someone. The friend I visited has been one of my best for 20 years (online/phone), and his friend and I clicked so fast that my barriers sort of dropped unexpectedly, and I ended up getting really excited and animated. Basically I leave situations like that feeling like I've made a fool of myself. A fat, ugly fool.

Our brains suck sometimes