I know you were joking, but people actually suggest this from time to time.

That would severely limit the visibility of posts which kind of goes against the idea of communities like this, which is to educate people about bugs. I understand it can be upsetting for people with arachnophobia and feel free to block the communities, but preemptively soft-censoring any content that might upset people isn't very healthy. In the end it's just a picture of an animal.

Ditto, looks different from the ones I'm used to in NSW, but it has the same vibe

A huntsman spider, probably Holconia sp.

As far as I know they're mostly harmless, but they will emit an unpleasant smell if disturbed, hence the name. Vacuuming them up works reasonably well.

I dislike them because they put holes in my peaches before they ripen.

looks like it, probably got in while my window was open yesterday

edit: I'm in upstate new york, which aligns with this as well:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_marmorated_stink_bug

thank you so much, this is exactly the guy

spotted Mediterranean cockroach

Fortunately they're not like German cockroaches, these ones prefer outdoors.

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/spotted_mediterranean_cockroaches

my favorite thing i read about them on wikipedia following the ID was that not only does their coloration mimic a spider hawk wasp, they also reportedly fly around poking things with their harmless butts, presumably so that potential predators are convinced of their waspitude.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mydas_clavatus?wprov=sfti1#Biology

Party on Garth

Those are pretty cool. It looks like the adults are nectar feeders and larva predate grubs in dead logs/trees. They tend to be large with the biggest looking like this:

According to Seek, it is a clubbed mydas fly.

that looks about right, thank you!

Mydas fly?

thanks for the links

thank the flying spaghetti monster, they won't bother us until we die

thank you too, for the identification

Those are mites, or more specifically Mesostigmatid mites. They are hitchhikers frequently found on insects associated with dung or carrion. These resources tend to be very patchy in the environment and mites are so tiny they can't disperse well by themselves, so they take advantage of beetles, flies, millipedes etc. to get there faster. These mites are predators that feed on worms or other small critters, they're not parasites.

Looks like your beetle has at least two mite species on it: the lighter ones with two separate dorsal shields likely belong to the genus Poecilochirus, and the darker ones with undivided dorsal shields are unfamiliar to me. They might belong in the family Macrochelidae.

I'm taking a wild guess but I think it's a large group of beetle mites?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oribatida

Edit: also this:

https://askentomologists.com/2020/09/03/why-are-burying-beetles-covered-in-mites/

Ticks do not use any other food source than vertebrate blood and therefore ingest high levels of protein, iron and salt, but few carbohydrates, lipids or vitamins.

then they can't be ticks?