in a way this has been my experience talking to people

FLOS un-aware people: "just google it"

me: "no i'd rather we talk about it as humans. i get three 'pages' of heavily filtered searchresults, frontloaded with LLM generated template sites, then there's an end to the search results on most search engines btw... search engines suck these days."

FLOS-unaware people: "huh? no look click search and i get tons of results and this looks like answers to my questions. no problems?"

me: "but i don't get those results you get and i get a cap to the total amount of search results shown to me."

FLOS un-aware people: "huh. (you're) weird (for having this problem with something mundane that i've never considerd.)."

me: "not really, once you consider this is the natural consequence of the propeitary model."

etc.

My partner and I had our second a few weeks ago and I received a number of 100% genuine (and appreciated) "have fun with the kiddo" and "enjoy this time while it lasts" messages and you know what? I fucking hate the newborn phase.

Lack of sleep makes me angry, and the entire newborn phase is a red tinted haze of fury. Here i am in the middle of the GODDAMN night rocking this fucking potato for 45 fucking minutes and it's just staring at me without blinking having the time of its goddamn life. My fucking feet hurt, I'm getting fat because food is the only thing that brings me the tiniest flicker of happiness, my partner is frankly a raging bitch and I'm sure I am in return, the toddler loses his mind at the drop of a hat, and I'm supposed to enjoy it?

Nothing about this is enjoyable. I hate every fucking second and I can't wait to sleep train this goddamn barnacle who I CAN'T EVEN HELP CALM BECAUSE I'M NOT THE ONE BREAST FEEDING and I guess that means the only person the baby will relax with is mom. Being helpful and competent are core aspects of my self image, and this mindless sack of shit has robbed me of that.

I'm so fucking tired.

I'm at a phase in my life where I don't see myself evolving. It feels like I live the same day and make the same mistakes repeatedly over years — I'm trapped in a loop of anguish. I'm not religious, so I don't believe in an afterlife. The life we have is limited time, and we should make the best of it, but I'm failing at that. It seems my fear of trying is smaller than my fear of wasting my life. I have mental blocks that prevent me from trying things that would probably make me feel good, that would make me progress, or at least pull me out of this pit of anguish and frustration I find myself in.

I waste my whole day consuming passive, meaningless content because it offers distraction from this shit life. I'm having trouble finding motivation. When I do find it, it's extremely volatile, never lasting long enough to cause real change — it only generates another instance of frustration.

I don't see meaning in life. I stay alive because I cling to some hopes — hope that someday I'll create real personal connections, that I'll find love. But I'm afraid it'll just be another illusion, another expectation that will be frustrated. What if love isn't as amazing as people say? What if it's like that movie everyone recommends — recommendations fill you with interest and expectations, but when you watch it, you see it's just another shallow cliché, and that hope you had for a brief moment of good entertainment is destroyed when that time gets filled with frustration. What if, when I do find love, it's not salvation or something that gives me the much-needed sense of purpose, something that makes my existence relevant?

I schedule appointments with psychologists frequently during motivation lapses, usually stemming from moments of frustration, but those feelings created by such motivation never last until the appointment day, making me cancel.

It's like the mental block I mentioned prevents me from doing small to large acts that would get me out of inertia. But this inertia has become "comfortable" enough to trap me, like an invisible cage, where I always hit the walls when I move toward progress. At some point, my subconscious simply gave up trying to reach freedom. Even motivation lapses don't give me the power to destroy this cage and free myself. It's as if the maximum I can achieve during these lapses is running in circles inside the cage, while having the false impression of progress. And when that moment ends, I find myself trapped in the same place.

Not necessarily better, but got news. I was rejected for the fifth time from one of the two PhDs at my preferred university. So now, I just have to move on. There are 3 more opportunities.

In other news, I received an email from a pen pal. We speak in German so that I can keep practicing. Big part of studying a language is using it on your everyday, and in this case, I try reading something every once in a while, but reading her and writing back is very difficult. Not because I don't understand, but because I too easily make mistakes. I still enjoy it though.

My personal projects are also growing, not much, but steady and I feel more and more employable as time goes, although outside of my head that might not be true, I try to stay positive. Working in isolation tends to bring a lot of insecurities, but I can't take the blame completely. Somethings simply didn't work out, collaborators are slower or less clear with their goals, family puts unnecessary pressure and also are bound to their own habits. I have gained weight while staying at my parents because they don't seem to understand that a sedentary lifestyle is not good. They don't talk about money, they don't save and at the same time they don't communicate.

Until later.

Edit: the chess table is a subtle hint to say that I am olaying chess again, after almost a year of not doing it

I have been someone that doesnthings and stops before finishing forna long time, and I am sick of myself. I have been almost a year writing a scientific paper, that is not close to being completed. I feel like a loser. Currently waiting on PhD decisions, the last 4 out of 8 (the rest iwas rejected). I am not pessimistic, I believe I'll be accepted, and I am not an idiot. But the last year has brought me so many insecurities.

During the last year, I engaged in complementary activities to be more employable in case I have to get a job in case all applications are rejected. I have been learning C, github workflows, CMake, Rust and docker.

I can use them, though i am no expert in any. I am happy about this, because even though I am a math nerd, I dont like simulations that much, so I though useful to add embedded systems.

I feel fat, ugly and lazy. Though I know I am not. I hope to get news soon, so I can pursue a job, prepare for a pPhD and most importantly... Move out again!

To be fair, I was really relaxed for the week I was on vacation. 24 hours after I got back though I am still freaking out about what I left. I still failed my first federal certification exam, I still spend 85% of my day trying not to drink (even though I didn't have a sip during my vacation and didn't even think of it), I still feel crippling loneliness any time I am not at school or work.

I am especially fed up with being around racist and homophobic people. My current boss is maybe the second true mentor I've ever had, and I am very grateful to him. He is genuinely an incredible teacher. He didn't have to hire me, I had 0 mechanical experience. But he took me on to learn his trade; and he is patient, deliberate, and thoughtful in his instruction. But he is a racist homophobic dickhead. The UPS guy once cut him off in the parking lot, so he refers to him as a "blunt smoking homie". He said our governor's immigration policies are bad because "that's what you get when you put a lesbian on office".

So I think I've escaped that when I go on vacation across the country. However we stayed in this loft property where all of the noise is funneled up in this three-story open concept building to the loft where my room is. So all week I am subjected to hearing my family downstairs talk about such concepts as my states free school supplies voucher being spent on "weaves and nails" and how every tv show is shoving LGBTQ values in their face.

I just want to be at peace for a bit, socially and physically. I am not ready to face my problems tomorrow. I want a real vacation

I am fat. I've been fit, I've been fat, Im fat right now. Been fasting where I can because regular working out just isnt happening yet, and Im trying to grapple with my relationship with food.

I cook. I cook like your great great grandma, but with better spices. I can make nearly anything from scratch. I've bread proofing right now, Pan de Cristal, Im working on a sunday sauce, dont @me with carbs, it's sunday and I will be having this one meal today. There is garlic confit in the oven! I make soups and beans, and chicken. My produce draw is always full with somthing. I dont buy any junk. Fruit, and peanut butter for the family, theres always stuff. I bake snacks. Like, for the love of god, my husband,

"Im running to walmart"

He comes home with a massive amount of freezer foods, his "snack run". Stouffers enchaladas, taquitos, what he calls a "pillow" of something just labled "taters", Frozen pizzas, all this. It wont even all fit in the freezer. Im stuffing my frozen veg in the corner to make room. I made fun of the resses "dairy dessert". My son said, it that ice cream? and I said, "I dont think you can call it that, more like wax chocolate flavor dairy dessert" and he got mad at hearing my snark, he doesnt need it. I just, ugh. I said, well next time Ill argue I should be allowed to keep alcohol on the counter (hes many years sober) if your allowed to bring all this junk food.".

we havnt spoken yet, I stopped cooking and came outside, hes prolly not even thinking about it, but im here. pissed. the easiest way for me to avoid bad food, is to not have it in the house.

I cook, I cook anything you want, I can make it. I make exceptions for everyone, theres stuff we can keep I wont touch anyway. I try to have dicipline, but fuck, it like sticking him at the bar, but for me, is the same with the fridge. But he will never ask me to make him something, I have to force him to take a meal from me always, drives me mad.

I dont want to be fat anymore, why is he not helping or taking it seriously.. never mind, fuck these national brands! omg. fuck walmart. :( I cant. im so annoyed. unethical af.

my freezer is rediculous right now and I dont like it.

Someone please help me. Im drowning.

I hate my body.

My cousins are here for my brothers birthday tomorrow and they’re all in my sisters room enjoying time together like a normal happy family. And yet again I’m alone feeling like the piece of 💩 of the family.

I wish I actually felt at home with my family like they all do. I just feel miserable all the time and like I should just end it. I’m dependent on my family for a place to stay and I feel like such an outsider. I can’t join in. I’m the joke of the family. Everything is so confusing. And my body feels like shit. I just feel like a ball of poop more than a family member. I wish I could be happy when people are here but it makes me sad because I can’t join in. They think I’m a r*tard.

All I do is doomscroll and bed rot. I don’t even feel alive. I feel like a ghost. I hate the way I look. I just want to feel like I belong in my so called family. Every day is hell.

I wish I felt like I matter.

I’m afraid to be vulnerable. Fully. And that’s messing with my whole nervous system/body. I’m in this survival response and it’s killing me because I feel I need to brace for impact all the time because if I don’t, I will be killed(in my vulnerable soft relaxed state). This is fucking with my hormones and everything. I’m scared. I either kill myself slowly this way by stressing myself out or I let my self feel all the feelings. Even if it means by the time I get to my most “healthy” relaxed state, I’ll die at the hand of another. I keep my guard up but it’s my Achilles heel. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I feel unprotected if I let my body truly rest.

Maybe I need to allow myself to be killed at the hands of another in order to reach a new level. Transcend. Be unafraid of death. But it means having to relearn everything.

My grandpa just came in my room. He already saw me this morning…

A few weeks ago he was being aggressive with me and last week I sent him £1000 which he “jokingly” said he wanted and he sent it back.

I feel violated and scared for my life. I wish I could lock the door. But there’s no lock and I need to leave to room to use the bathroom so can’t really block the door too much. I feel like I can’t relax.

I think I’ll send £500 now because I need more privacy. I feel tense.

Apparently he said my sister hasn’t been paying rent but I don’t feel so connected and if paying that means a little extra privacy then good.

I feel like they want me gone and out their house but that’s not happening anytime soon in my state. Everyday feels hellish like one big never ending nightmare.

I feel in danger.

Im a dude in his early 40s who is trying to enjoy having thick, dark hair while it lasts, no greys, no hair loss. so I have grown it for the last 18 months, to the point that it was at my shoulders.

I reached a length where I said “there, that’s good, now to trim and get it the style i want” So I go to the highly rated salon/barber near me. I walk in and notice photos of soccer players hair on the walls in the men’s section. Red flag, im a punk rocker and I should have walked out, but the owner assured me they style long hair.

I tell the guy who is sitting me down “hey, I don’t want an athletic cut, im more of a rocker i just want you to layer length off the front so that it’s not of my face, and let it long at the back, is this something you can do?” I even showed him photos.

Of course he says yes cause why wouldn’t he?

Immediately, first thing he does is chop off about 9” off the back of my head. All in one go, the opposite of what I asked for. I freaked out but I was in denial as he kept assuring me it was still long, till he did the front which he also cut too short.

I went in with shoulder length hair and wanted a trim on the front, and I left with the longest part of my hair about 3-4” long.

I didn’t realize till I left the shop that the back was THAT short and I was devastated. I went in looking like a rock god and left looking like Tig Notaro.

Immediately left a bad review and the owner contacted me on IG within minutes, through the day he offered a refund and a million apologies but very little that does for the destruction of my work for the last 18 months. I may lose my hair or go grey any day, and if this is my last chance to have it long, I hope that scissor wielding jackass who did this to me dies a horrible, slow and painful death.

But I’m alone.

I don’t take it with friends. (It’s really popular where I’m from)

I’m just dissociated. Not got the excuse of k.

It’s not really like I can take something to combat this. That would itself be taboo.

…

The empty pit inside. I excuse my bad choice because of it. Let me just waste my money and time on things that will go nowhere. Let me have this food addiction since I’m too ugly and miserable to leave the house and you know it. Let me just doom scroll all day even though it’s making me worse, because let’s face it, it’s too late for me to turn things around and be satisfied with myself. I’ve given that role to other people. My sister. She’s the version of me I wish the world could see. The Galinda to my Elphaba.

I feel scared and slightly selfish to let my nervous system properly rest and give it what it needs. That’s a life I don’t know. Too unpredictable. And this is my role anyway.

I’ve got everything I could ever possibly need but a working brain and heart.

Looking back at my life, I cringe and delete everything, wish I didn’t do x or say that. And I eventually do forget and I’ll probably get dementia.

I feel so weird and lame and cringy and stupid. I’m talking to a married man. Jealous of how I’d see him flirt with the women half his age at work and I’m probably more bothered than his own wife! Insane!!! She’s probably living her best life and I’m concerning myself with this bullshit. Wtf am I doing….

Someone please Knock some sense into me

It’s like I’m carrying the pain of her husband being this way.

(Don’t take it the wrong way if you have any of these things)

I’m left handed… Middle child… My name starts with “Sub”… My dad left when I was 1… Brought up in a cult… Im a 3/6 reflector in HD… Im an Aquarius-Capricorn rising with Neptune and Uranus in the first house… I’m mixed race…

I've been married and divorced already, but the pain of losing my ex husband was different. When I met my most recent ex (who I'll call Zach for this post) and began dating him, I felt like I finally understood what real, true, deep love was. I loved him, and I loved the way he loved me. We were together for almost 4 years. Long distance was tough but we made it work.

I came back from a visit recently. It was our worst visit yet. Something seemed off, he seemed distant, and we had a pretty big argument. We'd been going to couples therapy and had a session together during our visit. After he dropped me off from our visit, he texted me that something was on his mind. I'll spare you the details but something in couples' therapy made him realize that he didn't think he could be truly happy in this relationship with me. My world collapsed. He wasn't sure about breaking up with me, but he was thinking about it. Over a week passed with some small level of connection and talking but no updates.

Last night we talked more about his feelings again and I told him if his feelings about being unhappy in this relationship didn't change at all, even after all the compromises and changes I was willing to make, that maybe it was time. It felt impossible to say, to help him honor his emotions when it meant leaving me, but I can't keep up this facade of juggling pieces of a fragmented relationship, and I love him so much that the thought of our relationship making him unhappy hurt more.

Now he's gone. I can't talk to him about my day. I can't ask him for advice. I can't send him photos, make jokes with him. Everything has always reminded me of him, and so now I see him everywhere I look. I was willing to do anything and everything to keep him, and yet everything wasn't enough. He was all I wanted. I didn't really have a type, or know what I wanted in a relationship before I found him. Now I know that all I wanted was him.

And now he's gone.

I do not feel any hope for finding a love like ours again. I do not feel the want to look for it, because if this love that I cherished so deeply and believed in whole-heartedly fell apart like this, then what is there left for me to look for out there? I do not wish to feel this pain again. I do not wish to trust like I did again. I do not wish to cause pain like I did again. I really never thought I'd die alone, and though I'm still fairly young, I feel like I don't believe in love anymore. Not for me, anyway.

I recently been made aware of certain things that suddenly made CC an option again, but after having been enrolled in this school for the past 20 years and being able to log into the system as recently as last month, they decided to revamp their systems and my enrollment wasn't transferred over even though it should have been.

I would have been taking classes last month, but I was trying to get details on an obscure program that took me a month of getting passed between different departments and I missed the cutoff for signing up for classes. I ended up in the exact department I started at btw.

I would be going to the next closest one, but it's the difference of a 5 minute drive and a 40 minute drive.

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT SO MUCH

Literally have no energy to even cry after crying so much. I am in so much pain, just want to talk to someone who can understand. Genuinely need some comfort and support.

21f I’ve been dealing with this horrible abdominal pain for about 4 days now and it’s really wearing me down. I’m on meds for it so that helps quite a lot. The pain sits mostly around my belly button area and nearby. It constantly hurts, and then it suddenly spikes into cramping or stabbing gut pain whenever it wants to. My appetite is low, I feel nauseous, and without pain meds I honestly can’t manage the day.

I had an ultrasound and blood work done earlier this week. Nothing serious showed up so they’ve ruled out anything like appendicitis or anything, but the moment they pressed the probe on my abdomen I almost jumped. It hurt so badly that the whole thing stressed me out more because I still don’t understand what’s going on inside my belly.

Then this morning (nighttime here btw), I was sitting on the floor checking something in the lowest drawer. When I tried to stand up, I got this sudden, really sharp pang in my gut, lost my balance, and ended up falling forward straight onto the wooden bedpost. It hit me right in the stomach and the impact felt like it actually sank into my abdomen. It knocked the literal life out of me and I threw up after.

Now the area on my stomach where I hit is sore and even feels bruised. Although it’s most likely nothing severe like internal bleeding (it could have been SO MUCH WORSE), but it hurts when I touch it, when I stretch, or even when I flex my abdominal muscles. But my original belly pain is still there too, so everything feels mixed together. I’m getting random throbbing sensations in my gut and sometimes that awful empty “extreme hunger” type pain even when I’m not hungry at all. My whole abdomen feels drained, my body feels weak, and I’m honestly exhausted. I’m tired, I want to cry and cry but no energy for that as well. I just want this to end. I feel so confused and helpless.

Company was getting the stuff cheaply and locally afrom this supplier and they got almost monopoly with their stuff because was good but cheap

I'm guessing from next year with PE in the mix we'll pay 400% more

It does nothing but display redundant power points that we are already emailed and "flawless days" records where there's no downgrade or whatever. Manufacturing plant. It's an entirely meaningless metric in my department since we have 97%+ uptime annually and there's nothing left to optimise for product changeovers.

I'm not allowed to turn it off. The glaringly bright TV must remain on at all times. I've already caught shit for turning it off.

Just another annoying overbearing, obnoxious idiotic idea from our Texan corpo overlords who the middle managers openly admit they fear to me unprompted. Apparently, merely questioning their unbound limitless genius is grounds for dismissal now. Fucking fascists rule me already in Canada.

That all sucks sure but it's the fact it's bright and not a static image, but a slideshow. Keeps catching my eye. I want to smash it to pieces and quit on the spot. That probably turns them on just thinking about it.

One more for the pile. This is one of those last straw things. I'm fast tracking my plans to go into Nursing instead. It's a hard job too but it'll be different misery at least and I can help people directly instead of enriching arrogant fuckwits in the USA. Can't wait to go into debt for having the audacity to shake things up in my life. Fuck living.

Maybe I find some nonconductive grease after the heats off me in a couple months and smear a tiny bit in just the right spot and feign ignorance about why there's no signal.

so, I'm an amateur artist. I mainly like drawing, but also dabble in other things, including crochet. one of my dnd friends notices the amigurumi I made that I brought to one of our sessions and offers to pay me to make small animals for his family members. he wants 8 of them. blinded by my excitement and naivety, I agree, and he pays me 200 dollars. one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

fast forward to me attempting to needle felt them instead after failing to crochet them, then having a meltdown when I accidentally broke two of the felting needles inside one of the animals and couldn't get them out. now I'm trying to crochet them again, and the yarn just isn't having it. I wound up cutting my finger on the yarn after trying to pull out a snag that made me have to restart it entirely, wasting the material. I hate this. not only am I obligated to complete all 8 of them, but I overestimated my skill level and don't know what to do. my client told me to take a break when I offered a refund. I can't fucking take this shit anymore.

and I live in a household with another ED sufferer who gets triggered by anyone talking about eating (disordered or otherwise) so I just don't really have a way to verbally vent my frustrations

so disgusted with myself

oh also currently no health insurance so that's fun

I work in a 4,000+ person company. Two years ago, the CEO created a dozen new positions underneath him. President. Chief of Marketing. Chief of Design. Chief of Product. Chief of Buildings. Etc.

Some of it was needed. Many were not. My boss, a director level person, would end up in a room with like 15 of these Chiefs-of-X, and hundreds of other directors. There was no heirarchy. You'd have a Chief of Product working with the Chief of Design and Chief of Marketing.

Many of them would just walk around, making demands to push their personal initiative, do 2-3 "update meetings" a day then go fuck around and collect their $500k salary

Late 2024, a lot of us found ourselves in "Office Space"-level BS where we'd have multiple bosses. I was reporting to two directors, and four Chiefs myself. Every week, I would get verbally chewed out by one, and praised by another - all different every time.

Last month, we got a memo that there was going to be some "restructuring" of departments. Then last week, half the Chiefs were quietly demoted to Dept Leads managing a small team, or fired. No other staff was fired except the C-levels.

I don't know what sparked it.

But I won't deny this seems like a path in the right direction.