The last two weeks have been a whirlwind because I've been asking myself some of questions that make me wonder if the idea of a "soul friend" is right for me.

I appreciate this insight. But the more I think about me and this girl, the more it makes me want more of her. Like to know her more to see her more. I think in my case, I see us as a couple. But I won't know if we'd be a good couple long term without being in a context that allows me to see that. Right now, from our mutual interests both in and out of the bedroom, we are a great match.

If I'm reading your comment correctly, I think you're trying to encourage me to look beyond my desire to date her/be in a relationship with her and I think that's valid. But at the same time, I know that if I didn't ask her out, I would have hated myself. I've let too many similar moments like this pass me by and know better.

(Throwaway account -- Thanks admins for approving the account)

This is by far the most personal story I've ever shared on Lemmy and it's so close to my life I didn't want to attached to my main account. But it's something I needed to share because this is so recent.

About two years ago, I met this girl on a dating app. It wasn't the best app but we connected and really hit it off.

A bit of background: I am solo poly with a relational anarchy bent and she was trying to understand if she was poly. We talked about it and found that we were very compatible. I later found out that she was dating someone at the time and wasn't open with her partner about being on the app but this isn't the point of the story, but it's important.

We remained friends and when she got sick, we ended up chatting even more. (It wasn't cancer but something very debilitating.) She essentially was home bound, with a small number of friends and her family to support her. She's been through the ringer. We would talk about her partner on occasion, who seemed absent through all of this. I never judged him or pushed her to talk about him. In fact, many of our conversations were not about him at all were about her recovery, her current struggles, and even some discussion around whether she'd make it through or not.

Months go by, we still keep in touch, and we've grown even closer. And it begins to kill me.

I've been in the solo poly lifestyle for almost 5-6 years. I've never connected with someone as much as her and we've grown so close. I've said to myself, "Don't fall into this trap. You haven't even dated her. You're not dating her. You aren't together." But I fell for her. HARD. Seeing her through her worst, her anger at herself, at her body, that it was failing her. I couldn't do a goddamn thing about it.

It was through her darkest times that saw her for who she was. The twinkle of her heart hidden behind the pain she bore due to her illness. Her sarcasm covering for her heart that yearned for connection. Her fear that her illness made her ugly and unattractive.

I never felt this way about someone. I never felt this whole with someone. Sometimes I wonder if it's just in my head. And honestly, it could be. But there are moments when we connect. And the sparks that were there almost two years ago surface again.

I found out recently (like in the last month) that she and her partner broke up. It was a messy breakup but when I found out...I knew that if I didn't take my shot, I would regret it.

So I asked her a really simple question: "Do I help you? Does our friendship give you joy?"

She said "Of course it does. I wouldn't talk to you if you didn't." She then shared with me what makes her life so hard. How dating had been challenging because she's home bound. And how her wounds from her past had made it possible for men to prey on her. How she's felt so alone and not have anyone care for her pay attention to her, swatting away guys that just want to take advantage of her. Which she admitted that she would if her body would let her.

I let her words sink in. And asked her if I could share my heart with her. She said "Yes".

I finally told her how I felt. It felt like a river dam bursting. It felt good to share it. It felt wonderful to have her be able to listen to me. To be awake as I poured out the last two years with her. How I didn't want her to give me an answer that night. But at least consider a future with us together.

She said, "I can't. I want to, but my body can't and it wouldn't be fair to you."

It wasn't a "no". But it also wasn't a "Yes". And on top of that, she said she didn't want me to wait.

I share this mostly because I need to let this out and this comic got me in the fucking feels because over the last two weeks, I've been just wrestling with this on my own. I'm not "out" as poly and I've been a fucking mess. As I've walked the solo poly journey, the mere notion of "marriage" or being anchored to someone long term is not something I give a lot of thought to. But for the first time, I began to wonder if I would for her. I don't have a firm answer but I'd consider it.

Over the last two weeks, we've become more than we were, but not where I want us to be and I'm okay with that. Talking with her has reinvigorated my life and it's been filled with laughter and the occasional pain on her side.

Anyway, thank you all for reading this. I know it's not the same as Randall's wife but man, timing was fucking perfect and I've been balling my eyes our as I imagined us in this comic.