In the original Hans Christian Anderson tale this guy is such a bag of dicks though, he's already married and basically takes on the mermaid as a concubine even though being on land is literally physically traumatizing for her.

I don't even like men and I'd be drinched.

an on fire ship

if only we had a better word for when something was on fire

The word you're looking for is "burning".

I would fall in love as well. Which is a problem, because I'm straight.

I could understand it if it was a cat.

(This comment is parodying an earlier post from Lady butterfly with the opposite sentiment)