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A man sits on his porch during a flood (lemmy.zip)
submitted 3 days ago by to c/dadjokes@lemmy.world
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A man sits on his porch in a flood.

His neighbor comes by in a canoe. "Hop in!" He says. "We'll get out of here!"

"No thanks," says the man, " God will save me."

Soon, the water rose and the man is on his balcony.

A Search and Rescue boat arrives. The rescuer yells. "Hop in, sir! We'll rescue you!"

"No thanks," says the man, "God will save me."

Now the water has risen higher.

The man is on his roof when a Coas Guard helicopter arrives.

"Hang on! We'll drop you a rope!" Yells the Coast Guard pilot.

"Save someone else! God will save me!"

The water rises over the house and the man drowns.

He stands at the gates of heaven in front of God.

"Why didn't you save me?!" The man demands

"I sent you a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter. What the hell else did you want?"

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[–] 22 points 3 days ago (1 child)

A bit long for Dad joke format, but it is a classic!

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  • [–] 3 points 2 days ago

    I don't even read it as a joke. I take it as a life lesson — you need to make the most of the little pieces of luck that stroll by you each time. You're probably not going to win the lottery. You're probably going to end up with one illness or the other, more or less severe, that you have to deal with. You're probably going to lose someone dear to you one day. Gotta make the most of what we have in our lives — the things that really matter.

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    • [–] 11 points 3 days ago (3 children)

    Similar.

    Dave dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the Pearly Gates by an angle who looks exactly like Christina Ricci. "This is Heaven, and everyone gets exactly what they want."

    Sure enough, they go see his mother and she has the garden she always dreamed of. His dad has a 100 story garage with everything from a Model T to a Moon rover. His favorite teacher has a giant library and his old coach is hanging out with all the most famous footballers.

    "Wait a minute," Dave says. "Where's Aunt Matilda?"

    The angel gives him a telescope. He sees a vast ocean. In the middle of the water there's an island with a giant city. It's completely empty except for Aunt Matilda, who is sitting in front of the biggest building with a big smile on her face.

    "Matilda always thought she'd be the only one up here."

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  • [–] [S] 10 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (2 children)

    I heard one pretty similar to that one before.

    A man dies and goes to heaven. As Jesus takes him around he sees people of all faiths integrated and taking part in just about every fun activity you could imagine. Then they come across a big yellow and back striped door with a sign in big red letters saying "QUIET ZONE! DO NOT ENTER!"

    He hooks a thumb at it and asks Jesus, "What's that?"

    "Shhh!", says Jesus, "That's the Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."

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  • [–] 8 points 2 days ago (1 child)

    I have a similar joke, but for hell.

    Turns out Hell isn't so bad, and Satan does the introductory tour.

    They go past a bunch of fun, normal stuff like movie theaters and amusement parks, and eventually they go past a burning building.

    People at the bottom get stabbed with pitchforks until they go inside the burning building, screaming as they're burning, and they run up the stairs to the roof just to jump off and do it all over again.

    A concerned soul asks what's up here?

    And Satan says "Those are the Baptists, and they wouldn't have it any other way"

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  • [–] [S] 5 points 2 days ago

    Ha! That's a good one!

    You know why you always take two Baptists fishing? Because if you only take one he'll drink all your beer.

    You know why Baptists make love standing up? They don't want anyone to think they're dancing.

    I also know a hell joke, though it doesn't have anything to do with Baptists.

    A guy dies and goes to hell. A demon takes him to a room with everyone just standing around in piles of shit. At first he's depressed, but then he notices that there's no fire or torture, just piles of shit.

    He says to himself, "I guess this ain't so bad. I might even get used to it."

    Just then, Satan walks in and says. "Alright, fuckers. 5 minute millenial break is over. Get back on your heads."

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