It is a truly humbling thing to not have control over one’s mind, to realize that the control was an illusion all along.

I started getting these panic attacks after a particularly stressful period in my career. I thought surely there was a physical explanation. I went to a bunch of doctors, they couldn’t find any cause beyond anxiety, I cut out caffeine and alcohol and basically everything except bland food and water.

When they would occur I would be using every fiber of my being to control my mind, I didn’t want to be panicking, it was stupid, it was my mind, why wouldnt it stop panicking, why couldn’t I drive it where I wanted to go.

Because as much as I wanted to be, I was not in control in the way I had imagined all my life.

I think most people will have that experience at some point. Some early in their lives. Some later, I was mid 30s when the illusion I controlled my mind with absolute authority was dispensed with. Some will accept the reality that your existence is a complex dance between your conscious mind, your subconscious, your nuerotransmitters, your genes, and a dozen other factors. Some will rejec it.

There is a good bit to take away here, you cannot control the outside world but can control how you relate to it and what actions you take. But sadly, no, no one controls their mind, our existence is more complex than that.