I have this problem with Thai places on occasion. A lot of them do a 1-5 scale where 5 is like true spicy from a traditional Thai cuisine perspective, 3 is like spicy from a western cuisine perspective, and 1 is like barely spicy.

The ones that dont do this scale its really annoying to say please make it spicy, like no actually spicy spicy. And then you get it and its like a 2/5. One place I ordered it spicy spicy, not whatever the standard spicy is, and the chef actually came out after serving it. I loved it but I think he was attempting to make it punishingly spicy, but he was nowhere near that level for me.

If I ask for spicy I want it to make me sweat but I also still want to taste the food. That is a truly perfect level of spicy