you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] 21 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (7 children)

Eh idk, my experience with the "male loneliness epidemic" is:

It's not just about "sex" (which it seems like that's all EVERYONE can focus on, so I get it,) but also about deeper meaningful connections. Personally, I have a few FWB, I want to fall in love with someone again, though, tbf, the part of me that had the ability to do that could also be dead, kinda hard to tell tbh.

It's also about (again, for me) the fact that increasingly it seems that the ONLY places acceptable to meet a woman you have not yet talked to are:

A) Online dating services that sell your data, are designed not to give good matches because they want you to stay on the app, and charge a fee for the apps to even be useful, and they're all owned by one company.

B) The bar. That's it.

Well, as for A, I value my privacy, and don't enjoy paying money to have horrible experiences. I run GrapheneOS idek if tindr would run. I don't even have social media, I can't stand writing my own bio and don't take selfies, it's not a good option for anyone but doubly so for me. Also I'm not Tom Cruise (or whoever you're horny for just sub them in) level attractive and as such I have to rely on my personality, which isn't really text and picture based. As for B, I do still drink but not like I used to, and even if I did I can't afford to go out as much as I used to in this fucked economy, and tbh meeting drunk women doesn't seem like a good idea anymore, feels like it opens me up to problems I don't fucking need tbh.

So where does that leave me? Well, common advice is to:

"Have your friends set you up with someone." Ok great. None of them have any single friends, at least none that have expressed interest in being set up with me, or that I am interested in myself. So, either "pray," or I could actively make new friends just for the express purpose of finding out if they have hot friends that want me, if not, move to the next friend I can find and try again? Sounds like a bad plan to me. I don't have the social battery for all that honestly.

"Go to the gym," you mean the place women complain about being hit on the most? Sure, that'll help, "idfk how to use this giant machine and I know you just watched me look like a giant idiot, and I know you hate being asked here, but I saw you from across the yoga mat and thought you had a cool vibe, wanna go out some time?" That's setting yourself up for success right there lol.

"Find a hobby," yes because when I'm not at work or sleeping I simply stand and stare at a wall. OF COURSE I have hobbies, but not only do "women want to enjoy their hobbies without being approached" also my hobby is hiking local trails and taking pics of (mundane to you but to me,) neat animals like salamanders and snakes. Idk if you guys are aware of this, but women would rather meet a literal bear in the woods than a nerd with a camera, I used to talk to people on the trails but now I just give them a wide berth (unless they're dudes, dudes are chill). Also like the library, but I'm the only one under 70 (well, and above 18, lots of parents with kids but that doesn't help me lol), other than the cute librarian I have a crush on (but you're not supposed to ask them out while they're working either, and also if she says no it'll now be awkward every time I go cause I'll feel like a creep, so she'll never know).

The real solutions seem to be we need a third place that is acceptable to meet someone and ask them out politely and take no for an answer, or women would need to start asking men they like if it's unacceptable the other way around, or I need to become gay because as I said earlier guys are chill, you can talk to them anywhere. Unfortunately we're actively killing third places and the ones still alive women complain about being approached, women so rarely ask a guy out and I don't think it's becoming more common, and afaik I was born unlucky on the gayness.

And I mean, am I "lonely?" Idk. I have friends, FWBs, kitties, I've had abusive relationships worse than loneliness, so "no" I guess, but also yes insofar as "I haven't felt real love in about 15 years and it'd be pretty cool to feel that for someone again," and I'll guaranteed never find it if I don't start doing the secret solution: Just say fuck it, fuck you, and fuck what is socially acceptable, just start asking out ANY woman I see/like ANYWHERE, politely and take no for an answer of course, but anywhere. At my job, at her job, at the gym, in Aisle 10, on the trails, fuck it. If I don't it seems my only option is to pray to a god I've never believed in that a lady falls in front of me like goddamn Rufus in Dogma and she happens to like me, and I happen to like her lmao.

  • source
  • hideshow 7 child comments
  • [–] 3 points 2 months ago

    That's an effective summary of the situation. Society has effectively made it taboo to pursue dating/romance in just about any irl space where you might meet someone. Makes me wonder how much was social engineering on the part of dating apps (like Match group astroturfing on reddit/social media).

    As for your last paragraph, sorry to tell you this, but that won't work either. People will start noticing and telling their friends about you, calling you names, saying you ask out literally every woman you meet, calling you fuckboy, creep, or whatever. It doesn't matter how polite you are or how respectful. In fact if you bring attention to how polite and respectful you're being, they'll view that as even worse. Eventually someone will sneak a picture of you and it'll make the rounds on social media. There are entire sites and apps dedicated to women gossiping about men. It doesn't take much to kill your whole reputation. And women talk to each other about the men they see, so if you become known as "that guy," then even if you meet a woman who hasn't heard of you and things start going well, eventually one of her friends will tell her you're a walking red flag and she'll ghost you without an explanation.

    So no, casting a wide net is not a solution. And if you're waiting for the perfect woman to fall into your lap and make all the moves and seem to genuinely like you, you're more likely to get catphished than you are to find love.

    This is just the world we're living in now. Hate to break it to you...

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 5 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (5 children)

    You need to find a trail hiking group. You don’t need to change hobbies it sounds like. Try organizing a hike in your area and invite people to come along if you can’t find any. You’ll meet people quickly doing that.

    Genuinely though the bar is at the floor for guys right now. If you are well groomed, friendly, and genuinely interested in learning about the specific woman you’re talking to then that alone would bump you up a lot of your potential matches. If you’re walking anywhere and the other person looks like they’re not trying to ignore your existence then you have better chances.

    Try going shopping on the weekend; lots of woman are more willing to talk in stores and such when they’re not stressed out from work. If they hold eye contact with you in a friendly way then try saying hi and just chatting to get to know them a little and what they’re out and about for.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 5 child comments
  • [–] 7 points 2 months ago (4 children)

    I'm down, but where? That whole "not doing social media" thing means no Facebook, where all those local hiking groups would be organizing, or where I'd have to post if I were the organizer (and organizing a meeting then trying to meet a woman there feels sketchy, anyway).

    Genuinely though the bar is at the floor for guys right now. If you are well groomed, friendly, and genuinely interested in learning about the specific woman you’re talking to then that alone would bump you up a lot of your potential matches.

    Yeah honestly that isn't my issue, once I get my foot in the door I'm good, but all the doors are locked and I can't find my pick, the issue is starting that conversation to begin with.

    Try going shopping on the weekend; lots of woman are more willing to talk in stores and such when they’re not stressed out from work. If they hold eye contact with you in a friendly way then try saying hi and just chatting to get to know them a little and what they’re out and about for.

    Fair enough, this is basically a more succinct and less explicit version of my final conclusion lol. That's kinda the plan, but most women I talk to (irl or online) seem to indicate that is socially unacceptable now too.

    Which actually probably helps the bar being on the floor btw, all the guys afraid of making women uncomfortable and being creepy are not approaching them because they complained and we listened, now the only guys approaching women in public are the ones who don't care about creeping them out, because they didn't listen. I'm not saying that's the whole problem but it has to be some %.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 4 child comments
  • [–] 6 points 2 months ago* (2 children)

    There might be public postings already out there listed at a local community college, community center, or city website for public events near you. If you post a meet up, do so with the intent of just bringing people to together and having fun, doing so with just intent of meeting women should come second. If you meet people that you vibe with then for sure invite them to more hikes or other shared activities.

    Hosting Partifuls could help a lot to get things off the ground as well. My friend does those all of the time even for the most mundane things and lots of friends and acquaintances will show up and bring friends along.

    For getting your foot in the door, it’s a lot of putting yourself in the right spaces to meet people. If you don’t have an issue actually connecting, then that’s a great start. I’d advise trying friend finding apps too since the pressure is offloaded on those compared to strictly dating apps. Lots of women want to find guys they could at least be friends with first before committing to dating. You remove a lot of the barriers of pressure when meeting up doesn’t have to be a date, but can be if you both are connecting.

    Fair enough, this is basically a more succinct and less explicit version of my final conclusion lol. That's kinda the plan, but most women I talk to (irl or online) seem to indicate that is socially unacceptable now too.

    I feel where you go matters, what time you go matters, and not forcing the interaction matters for this. If you go to a woman dominated space and are confident and cool headed about it, just that and being dressed the part for being there could have you being checked out by women. Probably less a bookstore, more a ‘healthy’ lunch spot or outdoor/indoor mall. After their first coffee and before lunch? You’re golden. Specifically during/after lunch? Golden. After dinner? Generally fine.

    Which actually probably helps the bar being on the floor btw, all the guys afraid of making women uncomfortable and being creepy are not approaching them because they complained and we listened, now the only guys approaching women in public are the ones who don't care about creeping them out, because they didn't listen. I'm not saying that's the whole problem but it has to be some %.

    You gotta believe and know that you’re coming with pure intentions; if you get caught up in the anxiety of not trying to look weird/creepy it’ll just come off that way instead imo. Out in the world, woman are way more chill than online makes women out to be. There are certainly a number of women that are reasonably wary, due to weirdos with no respect boundaries, but if you look, act, and are friendly then you definitely will meet woman that have been looking for someone like that.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
  • [–] 3 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    You also gotta pre-emptively accept the possibility that youll NEVER meet friends or a partner who wants to be associated with you despite your best efforts. It is a possibility and there is nothing wrong with you if that happens to you and youre a kind, quiet , peaceful person. It is what it is

    Human-Human relationships are sort of an 'It Is Whatt It Is' Type Of Affair these days. You can do everything kindly and to your best efforts to meet other like-minded people ....and everyone can still not want to be your friend or lover. You can be worst than Adolph Shiter or Suharto and be surrounded with a million admirers and fake friends. It is what it is.

    'Sadly it is what it is BUT At least you tried ' is how I see it nowadays. 🤷🏿‍♂️

    Best of wishes to you and everyone else who is lonely out here. Best of wishes on the journey comrade.🫂🫡

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 1 point 2 months ago

    You also gotta pre-emptively accept the possibility that youll NEVER meet friends or a partner who wants to be associated with you despite your best efforts. It is a possibility and there is nothing wrong with you if that happens to you and youre a kind, quiet , peaceful person. It is what it is

    I don’t believe that you need to accept a reality where you’ll never meet friends or a partner that want to be associated with you. By definition alone I would even say they are not friends and that is not a partner. Real people that would accept you as you are - are out there.

    Even on the basis of probability, if only 1% of the people in this world were like that, that’s still at least 80,000,000 of people out there. Let’s say you just cared about that 1% of people in your local area - that’s still 100 people in a town of 10,000. And that’s just off a worst case scenario, the real odds would be much greater than 1% of people.

    Human-Human relationships are sort of an 'It Is Whatt It Is' Type Of Affair these days. You can do everything kindly and to your best efforts to meet other like-minded people ....and everyone can still not want to be your friend or lover.

    Many people like to play safe bets in life. They know that the people they know already have been at least decent to them, so you have a bit of a higher hurdle when meeting new people or breaking the mould. Even one new friend opens up many potential doors since you’re no longer perceived as a complete unknown, you have someone that vouches for you.

    When you move to a new city or are starting fresh, generally that’s when you have the hardest time finding people since you’re leaving your existing social safety net. Sometimes, it can help a lot if you have family or friends from back home that could try to introduce you to some people in your new area.

    Genuinely, there are some places that would be more difficult to make friends if your hobbies aren’t so common in that area.

    be surrounded with a million admirers and fake friends. It is what it is.

    Imo, it’s better to live a life surrounded by a few people of high quality than just trying to impress people that don’t care about you and your wellbeing.

    'Sadly it is what it is BUT At least you tried '

    Avoiding burn out in the struggle to find your found family makes sense, but I encourage you to not let your wings dampen before you have the chance to soar either - lest you live with regrets. I encourage you to take breaks when things don’t work out, but keep searching for people that value you.

    I wish you the best on your journey ahead. Don’t be afraid to change things up if circumstances allow, truly sometimes you can find another version of the life you want to live in another place. I’m just here to pass along some advice since I’ve been down these roads before. 🫂

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 3 points 2 months ago

    all the guys afraid of making women uncomfortable and being creepy are not approaching them because they complained and we listened, now the only guys approaching women in public are the ones who don't care about creeping them out, because they didn't listen.

    Absolutely correct. I've been pointing this out for years and people gaslight me about it and act like I'm the problem for calling attention to it, but it absolutely is a real phenomenon.

  • source
  • parent