Babylove, can you re-read what you just wrote, please? "...afraid to your bones" ? That's a panic attack. It doesn't have to be like the movies where you fall down, hyperventilating. I come from an abusive home too, so I have a pretty good idea of who told you you have to be small, but you don't have to minimize your experiences or silence your struggles! I'm just a stranger on the internet, so take my opinion w a grain of salt, or just throw it right away if you want. You deserve to be understood and respected.

Hope you have a calm and peaceful day xoxo