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Therapy doesn't work, scared of feeling any emotion (self.Autism)
submitted 4 months ago by to c/Autism@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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Hi

I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.

I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.

Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.

Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.

And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.

Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.

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[–] [S] 3 points 4 months ago

I totally understand the feeling, communicating and expressing as 3 separate processes. For me, when I'm feeling something, I can't think. And when I'm thinking, I can't feel.

Often that means that when I'm unconsciously stressed, I can't do any work/admin because I can't keep anything in my head. And when I manage to focus on something, I can't feel anything. Not even thirst or hunger.

So talking about how I feel is very difficult, because I can't feel it while talking. Writing is easier, but still very much constrained.

I'll try to put your prompts for journalling somewhere, I think it would be good to ask myself those questions for each thing I remember and write down. Now the question is how to remember to check the prompts!

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