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[vent] why do I crave a sense of purpose and meaning? Looking at you, agent Smith... (piefed.blahaj.zone)
submitted 4 months ago by to c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
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Edit: thank you all for your wonderful, heartwarming support! 🩷 I must've had a particularly bad episode (?) last night and I needed to vent. Wish you all a pleasant day! 🩵

cw: passive suicidal thoughts
I wish that I didn't feel the need to feel any purpose with my existence or meaning in life, but I do and it hurts so badly. I was so close to going to the psychiatric ER today because I didn't know what to do with the immense, overwhelming chest pain. I "play" with the thought of ceasing to exist because I hate that I'm just a piece of meat. All I do is survive each day. Alone and ugly. I wish I was a simpleton. I wish I didn't feel every goddamn moment. I got some morphine pills the other day, a fairly minor dosage, to help me endure IPL hair removal. I have a few pills left that could make me numb and dumb for a few hours. Not that it's a viable solution. Next year, when I have saved up some money, I'm thinking about traveling abroad again in order to rediscover myself. I feel so silly. Sorry. Aight. Night. 🌃

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[–] 5 points 4 months ago (1 child)

I think everyone does :/ The real pickle is finding it. I feel like a lot of the pain in the world today is from people being forced into an existence they had no say in, we have very little agency in what type of life we can live, it has mostly all been decided by people who lived long before we were even born. What's more, the way society has been set up, we all have to agree to play by the rules and look out for one another, but more and more people seem to keep eschewing the rules for their own personal enrichment and it's extremely frustrating to say the least. I'm sure this has been a complaint throughout the ages as well. I'm sure none of that makes you feel better, but you certainly are not alone in that matter at all, I guess I was lucky enough early on to find a love of sound and music and that has been my kind of guiding hand through life, as it were lol, it's kept me alive at the least. Anyways, I hope you can find some purpose, though just being is enough. You seem to have a kind heart from your posts, please don't do anything too silly. Travel sounds like a lovely idea :)

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 4 months ago

    Thanks!

    I feel like a lot of the pain in the world today is from people being forced into an existence they had no say in, we have very little agency in what type of life we can live, it has mostly all been decided by people who lived long before we were even born. This is one of the concrete thoughts I struggle with when I play with the thought of ceasing to exist. I wish I had the motivation to instead think: "in that case, I'm going to be the one to change this rotten existence!!!" Etc. 🤣

    Aww cool! I actually studied at a music programme in highschool! I had been playing classical piano for eight years at the time, and my parents thought it would be a waste to... waste all that effort. I changed major to song and electric guitar during my second year, only to end up quitting focusing on performance all together and instead learn compositiong and arrangement. I am currently looking for a vocal trainer who also sings jazz, because it would be so cool to be able to sing like Frank or - depending on how my gender affirming journey unfolds in the comming years - Diana Panton. And if the singing doesn't work out, I'd like to learn how to play like Joe Pass or like the guitar player in Diana Panton's first album If the Moon Turned Green.

    In what capacity do you do music? 😊

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