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I am looking for advice. (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 4 months ago by to c/asexual@lemmy.world
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[–] 4 points 4 months ago (4 children)

So, it seems like your SO is experiencing some issues related to his anxiety, and is dealing in a less than optimal manner. (Obligatory Not a Doctor statement)

However it does seem like he might be somewhere under the Aro Ace umbrella by your description.

You mentioned doctor, is that a psychologist/psychiatrist? Because they don't seem very supportive.

There might be no easy way to bring up the issues in the relationship, and it sounds like he needs to make some more progress.

It could beneficial to get him to speak with another Ace person, face to face.

Or (and this is a risky method and not recommended) just start sending him ace memes that don't flat our say they are ace memes.

Oh, and please be safe and have some garlic bread.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (3 children)

    I am so anxietal I want to delete this post. Thank you for commenting.

    Its so funny you mentioned memes, because that is exactly what I was lookinh for at first. I thought just that- send the man a funny meme vaugly about asexuality. That's so funny you mention it, thanks for clarifying it is a risky move. I didnt not find one yet I think will come off.. with the right tone

    He's seen both kinds of doctor's but I dont know which one he meant. I actually went through and read our little blurb from texting about it after I was rude to him that time. I just dont know how to open the conversation about it, and I dont want to push a label on him. But its so clear as day to me. He said in that text, "the same drive that has me forget to eat, is like the same thing, I just dont think about it" paraphrased slightly.

    maybe im making a bigger deal about it than it needs to be. I feel like I have to just accept how he is without him .. putting himself under a label. but its like living with someone who has severe adhd or something and just, denies they have it.

    he could even just explore the idea and say its not for him, but explore it yo

    I hope one day people dont have to feel shame for this kind of thing.

    I dont know what the garlic bread is about, ive seen it about, but ill gladly have some, thank you :)

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  • [–] 4 points 4 months ago

    I understand this is a difficult, complex and delicate situation.

    It would be great if I could hand you a simple checklist and off you pop. But issues with people are never like that. Unfortunately it seems this is going to be a long, hard road.

    If he is currently seeing thhe same doctor you mentioned, he might want to think about finding a different one.

    Best I can suggest is support him in healthy ways that best suit the two of you. There are some links in the community info that might be helpful.

    The garlic bread thing is from a variation of the joke "this is better than sex!". Garlic bread has since become a staple of the community.

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  • [–] 2 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    Garlic bread is an old ace meme. Where the community generally agreed garlic bread is better than sex. (And my non-ace partner would probably agree but that's besides the point.)

    Not all psychiatrists or therapists are equipped to deal with all problems and all people. Mental health is hard and everyone is different. I hope you can make some progress on this, and I'm sorry things have been hard to discuss. I agree that talking about these things should be less taboo. It certainly would have helped me figure out some things.

    I like the memes route, but it may take a while to break the shell it sounds like he's built. The real answer is probably to get a proper second opinion from someone who deals with sexual health, or maybe a couples counseling to discuss "sexual incompatibility" so as to not put the blame on him. But that may be too forward right now.

    Just remember, unlike what society has kinda taught us, sexual drive is a complex thing and sexual health looks different for everyone, so conversations are important even though we aren't supposed to have them supposedly... Thanks society!

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 4 months ago

    I really appriciate this. In a round about way, you all here have helped immensley. Its a prespective check, and I really appreciate it.

    I dont know what to really say back, but Ive a lot to think about. Thank you kind folks :)

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