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eggshells all the way down (lemmy.ca)
submitted 8 months ago by to c/me_irl@lemmy.world
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[–] 6 points 8 months ago* (2 children)

I have AvPD, and I am sure there is a genetic link, but it's hard to separate it from my mother's issues and treatment of me. She had schizo-affective bipolar and was an alcoholic on top of that.

I've found therapy to be a bit frustrating, because I am able to cope with my fears and recognize when I'm slipping into avoidance but still unable to form connections with people. I've been released from therapy but still don't have any friends or relationships because I still react to other people's unpredictable emotions with fawning and then cutting them out of my life lol

It's a very lonely disorder

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  • [–] 3 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 child)

    Therapy is very frustrating, i agree with you. Progress is soooo slow, and there seems to be this barrier i simply cannot break through. But at least it helped with some of my most self-destructive impulses like my addiction to fentanyl painkillers, which is the reason i keep going there,

    I am a bit of an outlier i think, because i have been in multiple relationships for the last 27 years (it's not that i had the courage to actually try for relationships, but it still happened, back then when i had a bit of social life in my early 20s), so i at least wasn't physically lonely (in the beginning), but emotionally i always withdrew after the "honeymoon" phase, trapping myself in a limbo where i lived with someone, but i couldn't do shit because i wasn't able to take the space for myself i would've needed to actually live, or even end the relationship out of fear of conflict.

    I am actually going to live on my own for the first time now (starting with april or may), and I think it will be for the better. I do fear the loneliness, but it will probably beat being stuck in perpetuity in a long dead relationship.

    It really is a lonely disorder, even when there are people.

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  • [–] 2 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

    I had a string of relationships in my 20s as well, but I don't think any of them were healthy and I developed my own drinking habit to cope before realizing I didn't want that misery for myself.

    Dunno if you want any advice to consider, but I've lived alone for most of my 30s, and I have to say having a pet really helps. I have a cat and a dog, and the dog does provide more opportunities for conversations to happen just seeing the same people on the trails we walk every day. These are usually shallow conversations so it's easier to avoid feeling like I've upset anyone (it still happens lol "why did I say good morning that way??" but it's low stakes at least). But even having a plant to take care of helps with the loneliness, because you have this living thing that occupies the same space as you, and even if you can't leave the house today you can still share being alive and existing with this plant or creature.

    Anyway, I wish you all the luck with your move and your new future

    Edit: I just realized we've commented to each other before, I was on a different account though lol. I'm glad your move date is so close now :)

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