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Is it wrong for parents to have sex so loudly that their children can overhear? (lemmynsfw.com)
submitted 9 months ago by to c/asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com
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Sorry for a challenging and maybe weird question.

It is something my parents engaged in a lot while I was growing up (presumably unknowingly), and it's also a recurring point of discussion online, wherever I go.

On the internet, most people seem to regard it as very traumatic, though my own experience of it wasn't. It was more just something that happened, and most of the time I'd be sleeping through it anyway. I also feel that any potential trauma here is mitigated by raising your child with a generally healthy knowledge of sexuality.

A common comment on the topic is that people can "just do it quietly," but I'm inclined to think that some people do need to react very loudly to sexual stimulation.

Interested to hear what everyone else's experiences, or views on the matter, are. EDIT: If the question interests you, here's a guardian advice column post with extensive comments on the matter: "I can't climax quietly and I'm worried my teenage kids will hear me."

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[–] 13 points 9 months ago (2 children)

I'm... Sort of of two minds about it? It's not a scenario I've specifically put thought towards.

On one hand, I do feel like the way we treat sex/nudity as inherently, and uniquely, traumatic isn't exactly... Great, in a lot of ways. Like. I walked in on my uncle watching porn once when I was 5 or 6, and it wasn't a traumatic experience. I only remember it because of how the adults around me reacted when I said something.

On the other hand, if the kids are young enough, they won't have a clue what's going on in the other room from noise alone. As they hit their teenage years they 100% will, and they will put two and two together about the past noises they heard.

On the other other hand, an adult in a room mate situation can put a restriction on sex while they're home, specifically because they can know when that's happening. The kid can't, specifically because they don't know.

There's also the consideration of "This is a minor" that I haven't even touched on. Ethics aside, there could be legal ramifications.

Idk my gut feeling on this is "Maybe we should be waiting for while the kids are at school, or at the grand's, if we can't keep it down during sex," but also idk if that's an actual ethical decision I've come to on my own, or if it's just how I've been raised, and the society we live it.

Thank you for posing the question, though. It's something to chew on

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  • [–] [S] 7 points 9 months ago* (1 child)

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment!

    I walked in on my uncle watching porn once when I was 5 or 6, and it wasn’t a traumatic experience. I only remember it because of how the adults around me reacted when I said something.

    This reminded of the parenting advice that when children hurt themselves (e.g trip over) freaking out about it is training them to freak out at the pain more - the calmer you are about it, the less tears are shed.

    Basically this is the same way I feel about nudity - you don't freak out and yell at your kid for accidentally seeing you naked, you instead explain that people appreciate privacy regarding their body, so one should look away when someone is undressed. I presume this is what you mean by 'the way we treat nudity and sex isn't great.'

    Ethics aside, there could be legal ramifications

    Yes, I actually found out recently that there's a crime called corrupting a minor, which usually means showing them porn or sex acts. I think it would only apply to overheard-sex if the child made the parents aware, asked them to avoid the activity, and yet it continued. I, not being bothered by it, simply never bought it up (pretty sure I was a teenager when i first overheard.)

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  • [–] 4 points 9 months ago

    I presume this is what you mean by 'the way we treat nudity and sex isn't great.'

    That's part of it, but for the sex portion we do put sex on a pedestal, from both directions. It's not a hill I'm willing to die on yet, but the gist of the opinion is that people tend to either demonize sex as this inherently corrupting force, or sanctify it into this uniquely sacred thing. Reality's a lot more messy, and I think both positions are wrong

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