I am not interested in telling you that you have done bad. I am interested in telling you that you could do better. I think this change is an improvement because:

I think there is an opportunity to make a more specific point, that requires no analogy, is shorter and more precise, still works towards your political priorities (assuming you do want Israel shamed for this kind of behavior), and (I think) has a better chance of making specific, incremental, progress in political discourse.