Orgasms work differently for us, both compared to men and compared to each other. It’s not all about a partner’s skill. Each of us is built a little differently.

Personally, my brain needs to be engaged in it for me to “get there.” Orgasms don’t “just happen” - they have to be deliberate. I have to concentrate on the sensations, which is hard because my mind tends to wander. Add on the social pressure of a partner expecting an orgasm out of me, and I can wind up turned off entirely just by that.

I orgasm fine by myself. If I just want an orgasm, I can masturbate. For me, sex is for mutual fun, pleasure, and bonding with another person, regardless of whether someone comes or not. So when a partner stakes their pride on making me orgasm instead of just on making me feel good, I become concerned about their hurt feelings if I can’t get there. It therefore distracts me further, making the likelihood of an orgasm even lower.

Which is a way to say, it’s best for some of us if our partners focus on the journey, not the destination. We may arrive in the end, but it shouldn’t be the end all, be all.

It’s also worth noting that sometimes orgasms simply aren’t going to happen. Hormones, stress, and physical discomfort can mean being unable to come, and those aren’t necessarily things a partner can control, no matter how “good in bed” they are.