Yeah I learned the hard way that it's easier to lie on those forms when you already are in therapy. I've had GPs try to play psychologist rather than treat the reason I came in. The last time it happened I accused the doctor of being a mechanic who just talked about the car and its history instead of changing the oil as what's hired to do so. She was fired by me in that conversation.

Knowing there's always an escape plan available can be a source of comfort.

I've also seen it that way and have been coached by my psychologist on it. Ultimately, for me, it was best to set an expiration date. The date on which I could finally do it with minimal guilt. This actually had several positive impacts in my life.

First I quit using suicide as a first or second resort when coping. Instead it has become more of a fleeting thought as I know I'm "not allowed" to do so yet (while obviously still lingering as seen by my initial comment). Second was giving me a finish line. A finite date where I knew the pain would end (chronic conditions are the worst). Third was a reminder that I only have X days left, so make the most of them. It turns death from this amorphous thing into a clear cut "this is it". I KNOW when the ride ends down to the hour.

The caveat to this is the same as literally everything else in my life: I reserve the right to change my mind as new information is introduced. I've made a commitment to not do it until the date I've set, but as the date approaches, I'm not ruling out examining the evidence as presented and potentially pushing it out longer.

A LOT of peace of mind here.

Man, I have to stop reading so I don't continue a stream of tears in the middle of a lobby, but I felt every single word of that article in my bones.

I couldn't ever imagine hanging myself or shooting myself, that shit sounds terrifying as hell. But for years now I've had those same exact "what if I just fell down the stairs and broke my neck" or "what if I got hit by a car and died on the site?" thoughts. And similarly, I think of how much of a hassle it'd be for my family, worrying about their wellbeing, my cats, the games and stories I'd never get to see, the places I want to go.

It's hard. I went to therapy for a year and found it useful even if it didn't do much or "fix" me, but I never admitted to her about these thoughts. I think the closest I got to it was talking about being tired often, and crying, but never just outright "I don't want to wake up tomorrow."

I dig this! Thanks for sharing!